Insane Asylum Escapees - Years 1-7
by Steve2
Summary: This is a series of oneshots that involve Harry believing that everyone in the 'magical' world is insane. Starts with Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall getting Harry, instead of Hagrid, and goes from there. Involves much sarcasm from Harry. Books 1-7 - Year 4 complete
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

**Insane Asylum Escapees**

Originally By: RuneWitchSakura, now by Steve2

This is a series of oneshots that involve Harry believing that everyone in the 'magical' world is insane. Starts with Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall getting Harry, instead of Hagrid, and goes from there. Involves much sarcasm from Harry. Books 1-7

**Introduction:**

A few years ago, RuneWitchSakura created a series of one-shots around the Harry Potter universe. She wrote the following in Chapter 14 of her story (reprinted here at the bottom of this chapter). I took a look at these chapters and it tickled my funny bone enough to want to finish this story. So I have her chapters incorporated into this larger story. I am doing all books 1-7. It is still a bunch of one-shots, but will hopefully make a little more sense as I am putting them in order and adding more to Rune's chapters as well as creating my own. After going through her updates, it appears that these initial chapters only went into Book 5.

As of this initial posting, I have created all chapters for Books 1-7 with multiple chapters for each book (sometimes quite a few chapters, depending on what I find funny). Rune originally wrote 15 chapters and as of this writing, I have 35 chapters created so far. I would encourage any readers who want to review the original story of Rune's to check her site out and read these. I hope you like what I write and enjoy the changes and updates. Some of Rune's chapters had minor tweaks; others had a lot of additional content added. I can certainly say some of what I have in here has not been done before. I hope. I mean, there are what, nearly a million HP stories? I've only read about 700 of them. I haven't read anything like this before.

Anyhoo, please feel free to read and if you would like to do an omake, or even have an idea you want to pass along, please put it in a review or send a personal message to me. I look forward to reading them and putting them in. I will try to maintain a fairly consistent upload of these chapters for the foreseeable future.

Steve2

**{Introduction}**

From Rune – original Chapter 14: (Probably Not The) Last Update

Dear Readers,

It is with a heavy heart that I finally admit I just no longer have the time to write fanfiction. My last ditch attempt to finish them by posting them to my livejournal, with my last upload being almost a year ago, unfortunately did not work. I'm sorry to those of you who followed me there that I was unable to finish them.

I am placing all my uncompleted stories up for adoption. If you choose to adopt a story, please pm me (on ) so that I may let those interested know by posting your penname in the story in question.

I will very shortly be privatizing the fanfiction posts on my livejournal (if I haven't already), and hosting them solely on . The few fanfictions that were introduced to my livejournal but not on , will be posted on fanfiction shortly after. I will also be uploading any remaining written portions and notes for each chapter to fanfiction. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you for your time,

RuneWitchSakura/MChilz

While other stories are being put up for adoption and marked complete, Insane Asylum Escapees is being left open, as I may eventually add more too it. Don't let that keep you from adopting it anyway. There is a new chapter about to be uploaded.

Feel free to adopt this story. If you do, please remember to PM me so I may add your penname below.

Adopted by:

Lucilla (userid = 579283)

**{Introduction}**

**Steve2 continuation:**

I've since adopted it. Please read and review as those comments make me feel good and polish my chapters faster.


	2. Chapter 2: Whats That Address Again?

**Year 1**

**Chapter 1: What's That Address Again?**

Original Chapter 1 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: This isn't a story; it's more a compilation of one-shots that involve Harry and his belief that all 'magical' people are insane asylum escapees (hence the title). Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

1988: during the summer of Harry's 8th birthday.

"We really should consider what that professor said," Petunia implored of her husband.

"I think a good thumping will do just as much, and it will make me feel better," her large husband replied.

"But think, Vernon, what if he's right? Don't you want to squash that… freakishness… out of him?"

"Of course I do, Pet. It's unnatural. That's why I think a good thumping…"

"But, dear, you've spent years thumping him and nothing has come of it. The… freakishness… is still happening. Maybe this way will be better."

"…but there will still be freakishness…"

She smiled lightly at her husband. "Yes, there will be. But we can explain it to him a little better than just thumping him."

"Let's do it," Vernon agreed with the hope that maybe something good would come of this.

**{-1-}**

The years passed and soon enough…

Albus Dumbledore ignored Snape's grumbling and McGonagall's long-suffering sighs as he rang the doorbell.

"Boy! Get the door!" they heard from inside.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon," a voice followed after. Moments later came the sounds of footsteps and the lock unlocking. The door was opened by a short, black-haired boy who didn't look older than eight with emerald green eyes.

"Can I help you?" the boy asked.

"Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked, smiling, overlooking the fact that Harry was obviously malnourished (which in turn caused both Snape _and_ McGonagall to cast the Snape Glare of Death™ upon him).

"Yes? Who is asking?"

"I am Professor Dumbledore, and these are Professors McGonagall and Snape. We are here from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You do believe in magic, of course?" The last part was more a statement than a question.

Harry stepped onto the porch. "Oh, I believe alright," Harry started. "I believe you," (pointing at Dumbledore) "and you," (pointing at McGonagall) "are both obviously senile and have escaped the insane asylum and have obviously dragged your poor minder here," (he gestured at Snape) "along with this insanity."

Harry turned to look at Snape with an 'I feel sorry that you have to care for loons' look on his face, "Would you like me to give you the directions back to the asylum, so you can put the patients back in their beds?"

It took all of Snape's self-control not to crack a smile at the emerald eyed boy, or even worse… laugh; especially at the looks on Dumbledore's and McGonagall's faces. McGonagall looked affronted, as no one in their right mind had ever called _her_ senile (except Sirius Black, but he got two months of detention with Filch and therefore never spoke the word 'senile' again, especially in her presence). Dumbledore blinked several times in confusion.

"I beg your pardon?" Albus Dumbledore asked.

Harry regarded him for a moment. Finally he surmised he needed to dumb his answer down for the sake of the poor demented man with the long white beard.

"You're asking forgiveness for being insane… well, that's the first time that's happened to me… of course, this is the first time I've seen two senile old people dragging their minder along with them. Oh right," he turned back inside. "Uncle Vernon? What was the address to the insane asylum? There's a man out here with two senile escapees who are talking about witchcraft, and wizardry, and stuff like that."

"WHAT? I'LL NOT HAVE THAT FREAKISHNESS IN MY HOUSE!"

"They're not in the house; they're on the doorstep, and their minder would _really_ like that address."

Snape snorted. Maybe this Potter wouldn't be so bad to keep around.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	3. Chapter 3: Super Duper Fertilizer

**Year 1**

**Chapter 2: Super Duper Fertilizer**

Original chapter 8 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

Harry stared.

Ollivander stared back. Then he gave a big grin.

"I was wondering when I'd be seeing you in here, Mr. Potter," he said.

Harry raised an eyebrow at the creepy insane guy.

"It seems like it was just yesterday when I sold your parents their first wands."

"Wands?" Harry muttered.

"Yes, wands," came the terse reply.

Harry turned to Snape. "More and more people are playing along with this whole 'asylum as a school' thing. And I thought Merlin used a staff."

"I think you're a little too young for a staff," Ollivander supplied good naturedly.

"And I think you're a little too old to still be breathing," Harry replied in kind.

McGonagall and Dumbledore made strange whining noises and Snape snorted. Ollivander stared at Harry.

"Oh, sorry," Harry said, grinning. "I thought we were having a 'state the first thing on your mind' contest. I think I won."

Ollivander continued staring at him, then he looked up at Dumbledore, and his eyebrows rose. He shook his head and went through some boxes.

"Here, try this one," he said, handing a wand to Harry. "Eleven inches, oak, unicorn tail hair."

"Sure it is…" Harry took the wand, and looked at it for few seconds. He then poked the wand box with it.

FWOOSH!

The box erupted into flames.

"Definitely not," Ollivander said, taking it back and handing him another one. "Twelve and a half inches, mahogany, dragon heartstring."

"Sure it is…" Harry started again. Harry took the wand, and, looking rather hopeful, poked Dumbledore with it. Nothing happened for a few seconds, and then a flower started growing on Dumbledore's head, pushing his hat off in the process.

"No, not that one either," Ollivander said, taking it back and handing him yet another wand. "Try this one. Eleven inches, holly, phoenix feather."

Harry took the wand. It felt warm, and Harry was pretty sure he could feel a breeze – there must be a fan somewhere, or an open window.

"That's the one!" Ollivander said, ringing them up. "Have a nice day!" The group left the wand shop to continue down the road. "If that's our savior, we're all doomed."

Back with the group of four, McGonagall was surprised to find out that Harry still didn't believe in magic.

"And how do you explain the box catching fire?" she asked.

"Ollivander probably had a hidden lighter that we couldn't see," Harry answered.

"And the flower?"

"Super Duper Fertilizer. I use it all the time on my Aunt's garden. The flowers pop right up," Harry said, before turning to Dumbledore. "What possesses you to carry fertilizer and flower seeds around in your hat? That just proves you're insane."

Dumbledore blinked in confusion, before popping a lemon drop in his mouth.

This boy was just too much.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	4. Chapter 4: It Makes the Insane Ones Feel

**Year 1**

**Chapter 3: It Makes the Insane Ones Feel Better**

Original Chapter 3 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-3-}**

The Sorting was just plain weird. What with the animatronic hat they put on his head and the microphone they'd hidden in there to pick up his comments.

"You'd do well in Slytherin," the Hat said, "But you'd also do well in Gryffindor. Hmm…how about, I let you choose?"

"Seriously? Dude… Slytherin! I want to be known as sane!"

"Very well. Have fun, Mr. Potter, in SLYTHERIN!" Harry took the Hat off his head as Dumbledore choked on another one of his lemon drops. Snape raised his hand and McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick all grumbled as they put ten galleons each in his hand.

Harry headed to the table, sat near a few stunned students and looked around for the food. When were the waiters going to come in… he wondered. Oh well, he opened a book he'd gotten as a farewell gift from Aunt Petunia – the Fall TV Lineup for 1991, giving a rundown on all the shows on the telly.

Harry never noticed the food arriving, but helped himself anyway.

**{-3-}**

Later, when it came time for the Hogwarts School Song, Harry could see the insane ones singing along with whatever came to mind (like he suspected they would), and the Slytherin table remaining fairly quiet (like he suspected they would).

When the singing had started, Harry knew he had to do something about it. So he pulled out his Walkman, slipped on his headphones and turned on the cassette recordings of AC/DC, something he knew of that was real music. Only… drat the luck! His batteries had died. And he had just changed them before getting on that wacky train ride. He'd have to send a letter home for new batteries or find the school store wherever it is to see if they carry batteries in this loony bin. He wasn't sure that was going to happen.

Harry nodded knowingly as some older red-headed twins finished singing a funeral march. Figures. He knew they were crazy indeed, especially after some at his table commented on it, reinforcing his knowledge that he got to the right area in school.

**{-3-}**

After the feast, in the Slytherin common room, there was much strutting about by quite a few members of the house. Harry ignored them, meaning he ignored almost everyone.

Shortly after Snape left (after saying something about House Loyalty and all that rot – Harry really wasn't paying attention), Draco got up into Harry's face.

"Potter…" he started and before he could continue, Harry interrupted him.

"Are you…stressed, or is that just your natural hair color? I mean, white? Really? My aunt cries out every time she finds a white hair on her head. Do you do the same? Hmmm, maybe not since you would be crying a lot I guess."

Draco's eye twitched and he pulled out his wand. "I'll kill you!"

"And _why_ do you have a stick in your hand? Oh please, don't tell me that you actually believe that senile old coot's whole 'Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry' crap, do you? You do realize we're supposed to be the sane ones, right?"

"…" Draco had nothing to say at that, trying to figure out what was going on.

Blaise snickered; the only one brave enough to do so.

Harry continued on, taking Draco's silence for acceptance, something he did. A lot. "I mean, isn't all that for little kids… or you know… the insane people that were sorted in the other three 'houses?'" Harry's fingers air-quoted the 'houses'.

"…" Draco was still trying to figure out what was going on.

Blaise, having heard rumors on the train, already knew exactly what Harry believed Hogwarts to be.

"Hello?" Harry waved his hand in front of Draco's face, "Hello? Oh, great… he's dead." Harry poked Draco on the forehead and the blonde fell over (it was the Power Poke of Doom™).

"Huh?" Draco asked, wondering how he got on the floor.

"He's alive," Harry said, looking like he was conflicted about being happy or sad about that; he settled for happy, "Thank God! I don't want to go to juvie just because of some insane people here."

"What's juvie?" one of the other first years whispered to an older student.

"No idea," the student whispered back.

**{-3-}**

Later that night, the boys had gotten ready for bed in the First Year Boys Dorm Room. Harry had no idea why everyone spoke in capitals, but figured it was just another reason why they were in this insane asylum.

"Nice to be in the sane house, isn't it?" Blaise said to Harry, as he levitated his books out of his trunk.

"If you're sane… then why…" Harry was cut off before he could finish asking about Blaise's use of magic.

"It makes the insane ones feel better," Blaise said.

"Ah… I suppose that that's a good enough reason to play along," Harry said, smiling.

**{-3-}**

The campers eventually had enough of the day and went to bed. Even Harry. And the next day, in the Transfiguration Classroom, he met one of the senile patients.

"Finally decide to give up the 'insane asylum' ruse, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall said.

"No," Harry replied, as he transfigured his match to a needle and back repeatedly.

"Then why -" McGonagall was cut off, just like Harry last night.

"It makes the insane ones feel better," Harry repeated Blaise's words from the night before.

McGonagall's eye twitched.

Both Harry and Blaise grinned.

**{-3-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	5. Chapter 5: Moving Through the Year – pt1

**Year 1**

**Chapter 4: Moving Through the Year – part 1**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-4-}**

With a sigh, Minerva McGonagall looked up from her desk where she was grading essays from the class and noticed all but one of her students was practicing their assignment. That one student, she knew it was him before she even raised her head and saw his hand up in the air, was Harry Potter. "Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"Is it true you lived in Scotland before coming to work here at this drafty castle?"

Not seeing what this had to do with the assignment, but knowing she wouldn't be getting any work done until his insatiable curiosity was appeased, she replied, "Yes, Mr. Potter. I grew up in the Highlands."

"I knew it. I could tell by your accent. I don't suppose you had a relative by the name of Conner or Duncan?"

"Well, I do have a distant cousin by the name of Duncan…" she started, thinking, who doesn't have a Duncan in their clan.

"If that's the case, where's your sword?" Harry smiled.

"My sword, Mr. Potter?"

"Yes, your sword. You know, for cutting off other immortal's heads. After all there can be only one, right?"

"I'm afraid I don't…"

"So how many heads have you taken?"

"Professor McGonagall cuts off heads?" Ron Weasley said with wide eyes. "Cor! I'll get this assignment done, professor, never you worry!"

Minerva McGonagall didn't know whether to award Harry points for motivating his fellow classmates into working harder, or cry now that she was likely to be gossiped as a homicidal murderer by dinnertime.

Honestly, where does that boy get these ideas anyway?!

**{-4-}**

"Harry!" shouted a voice from behind the young Potter.

He turned and noticed two twin red-heads coming at him in a sprint. They were from another house, so he had to be on guard. There was no telling what kind of insaneness they would throw his way.

"Let me guess, you're Fred and George Weasley, right?" Harry arched an eyebrow. "I've been warned about you from the others in my house."

"Got us pegged, Fred."

"I thought you were Fred," his twin returned.

"Maybe we both are," went the response.

"You two confirm my belief that I'm in an insane asylum, you know," Harry pointed out.

"Then our job is done!" one of the Fred's grinned.

Harry grinned back. "Nah, you're not crazy. You're too sane to be crazy. Bet you're keeping an eye on the other crazy ones."

"Oh, George, how can he think of such vile thoughts about us?" To Harry: "Of course we are, young snake. They are such a dour crowd, we feel it our calling to make them feel happy as much as possible."

"Plus, it makes the insane ones feel better," George winked at Harry.

"Too true, brother of mine," replied his brother, putting his hand over his heart.

Harry replied, "I have to tell you, I am so happy to know there are other sane ones in school. This place is a madhouse."

"So, Harry, how would you like to help a couple other wayward students in this castle of insanity help to make things a little more… frivolous?" George began.

"You're bending my ear, so let's hear your sales pitch," Harry smiled at the start of negotiations.

**{-4-}**

"You don't exist! Quit following me!" Harry ordered, walking faster down the mostly empty corridor.

"But I'm talking to you," replied the Fat Friar.

"You're just a hologram! I keep telling you that!"

"I am not! I am a ghost! Boooooooo-whoooooo! See? I haunt!"

Harry stopped and started looking around the cracks and crevices of the corridor.

"What are you doing now? Shouldn't you be on your way to class?"

"I'm looking for the holo-emitters or whatever they are using for your hologram."

The Fat Friar shot his hands up in frustration, and said, "You talk to him. He's in your house!" He then ghosted away through a wall.

The Bloody Baron looked at his your charge. He then said, "We're ghosts, you bloody pillock!"

"Yeah, right. If that were the case, you'd think I would have found the Ghostbusters in my phone book before I left to come to this crazy place."

"The what?" said the ghostly voice.

"Ghostbusters, you numbskull! Or barring that, you'd think that there'd be at least the British equivalent. What do you think? Should I start up my own firm? I can call it… Hellsing, or something like that."

**{-4-}**

Harry wasn't sure what to expect with Broom flying lessons, but he went in with an open mind.

"They have anti-gravity here? Cool! Or is that magnetic repulsion? Either way, that is so cool! And voice activated computer systems! Neat-o! So you must be saying it's magic to keep up appearances, eh, Professor Booze?"

"That's Professor Hooch."

"But that's what I said. Anyway, having to talk about this supposed magic all the time must be maddening. Good thing you have some anti-gravity toys to play with. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and all that," Harry winked at the spiked-hair witch.

Professor Hooch felt the tell-tale start of a nervous tic above her left eye.

Harry, of course, proceeded to fall in love with the anti-gravity "broomstick" and zoomed around the pitch during his first lesson, in and out of the goal posts, around the moving tree (he wasn't sure what they'd spliced with that tree bud to get it to do that), and through Professor Dumbledore's window where he crashed into a shelf full of tinker-toys.

"Sorry about that," Harry grinned and took off again, back through the open window.

Fawkes looked at the carnage. Then back at her human with the white beard. He looked back at his Phoenix and said, "Yes, dear, I'll clean it up."

**{-4-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	6. Chapter 6: Moving Through the Year – pt2

**Year 1**

**Chapter 5: Moving Through the Year – part 2**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-5-}**

Harry sat in Hagrid's hut for tea one day.

"So if I understand this right, you got booted out of school and have been living here ever since, right?" Harry inquired.

"Err… right," Hagrid confirmed.

"I bet it's because you have a learning disability, right?"

"Err… wha?"

"I know what you mean. I have one too. I have A.D.H.L.A.S."

"Whas' that?" Hagrid said.

"Attention Defi-Hey Look A Squirrel!" Harry started.

Hagrid beamed. "Hey! I have that too!"

**{-5-}**

Harry left Hagrid's house a short while later and returned to the Slytherin common room. There he was motioned over to talk about his experience with some additional Slytherins: Daphne, Tracy, Millicent, and Blaise.

"So what did you think of the groundskeeper, Potter?" Millicent inquired.

Harry shrugged his shoulders as he sat down, facing them. "Oh, he's okay."

Blaise looked at his classmates. Then, to Harry: "Don't you think he's a little odd? A little off?"

"Oh, absolutely. It's probably the scientist's fault," Harry agreed.

"Who?" Daphne asked.

"You know, the scientist responsible, whoever that is."

"What are you talking about?" Daphne was confused. She wasn't the only one.

"Oh, I'm sure Hagrid doesn't just know the scientist, but it's obvious that he's probably one of the experiments! Why, just shave him and I bet you'll find two-inch screws on either side of his neck!"

**{-5-}**

Harry had found an unused classroom during his self-guided tour of the castle during the Holiday break. In there was a large object with a tarp over it. Curiosity getting the better of him, he removed the tarp and looked at what someone had wanted to stash: a mirror.

Harry looked in the mirror, then sat down and smiled.

He was still there an hour later when "discovered" by none other than Albus Dumbledore. "Harry, this is a magical mirror."

"Yeah, right. Shhhh, you're interrupting."

Albus was shocked at what he felt was a blatant blow-off by the young Potter. "No, really, it's a magical mirror. People have gone mad staring at it for too long."

"Really? How long did you stare at it then?" Harry wondered aloud.

Albus ignored the jab and replied, "This mirror shows you your heart's desire. I myself see me in some new socks when I look upon it. What do you see, Harry?"

"I see myself surrounded by insane people. Namely you," Harry said. "Now, shhhh, it's back on."

"What's back on?" Dumbledore inquired of his student.

"The show: they went to commercial for a few minutes. Now it's back on. Star Trek; you know, Captain Picard, Number One, Mr. Data. I haven't seen this show yet – it's a meeting of Picard and a young Kirk; not sure how they got that done, but it's all good. Only, could you get maintenance up here to fix the audio on this TV? I can't get anything from this thing."

**{-5-}**

Around Christmas morning, Harry woke up to find a present at the foot of his bed. Not thinking of who would deliver presents at night or on a holiday, he rushed to see who it was from.

It was from his Aunt and Uncle.

Harry opened the envelope. It was a TV Guide for the upcoming spring season. Whoo-hoo!

**{-5-}**

It was time. He knew it. He couldn't put it off any longer. Albus was demanding answers. He had already done it with all the other students. Only Potter was left.

It was time to do his progress review.

"Potter! Get in here!" he bellowed to the young student waiting outside his office.

As Potter came into the office, he said, "I take it you know why you are here?" At the affirmative nod, he clarified anyway, "We need to discuss how you are progressing in your classes so far."

Harry sat and looked at his head of house. Then he started.

"How am I doing in my classes? You have to be kidding me, right? I'll concede that your chemistry class is good, even if you need some serious equipment upgrades; at least you're trying to teach. It's the only _real_ class we have, in fact.

"Why, the whole 'charms, and transfiguration, and defense against the dark arts'… Dear Lord, is it any wonder they're all insane? There are limits on how far one can go to accommodate the inmates after all. The only other real lessons are herbology, which is glorified gardening with modified plants, the "care of 'magical' creatures" which is really "care of genetic experiments," astrology which is astronomy with added "magic" less the annoying horoscope, and arithmancy which is "magical" math, or as I like to think of it as: math without a calculator.

"Tell me how am I going to graduate from this asylum? No, wait! Don't answer that. Of course I'm going to graduate since the so-called headmaster is insane. He'll make sure I graduate. The only real question I have then is what kind of career do I want to go into? This place sure as hell isn't going to make it so I can get into Uni anytime soon."

"Is going to a Uni what you want to do?" Professor Snape prompted, trying to find some safe ground with this high-strung young Potter.

Harry thought for a moment. "No, not really. I guess not. I probably would have been in the same situation if I went to Stonewall, except without all the magic nonsense. Lousy education system."

"Yes, it is a sad state of affairs with the local education system," Professor Snape started.

"Is that why you went into Chemistry, Professor?"

"Excuse me?" Snape's eyes shot up.

"Figuring you had to do something about the local crazies, I bet you went into Chemistry so you could learn to study the inmates and their "potions" so you could devise ways to help medicate all the crazies and keep them off the streets. Right?"

"Sure," Snape agreed. "Why not?"

"Then that's what I'm going to do: study chemistry and find out ways to medicate these crazies."

"You know you could also learn charms and other spells to help deal with crazies…" Snape volunteered.

"That is just enabling them more, professor. No, I think Chemistry is where I'm going to start studying more. Maybe see if I can get some Bunsen burners installed at home or something. And if that doesn't work out, there is always electroshock therapy."

Professor Snape didn't have a response for that. At all.

**{-5-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	7. Chapter 7: Genetic Experiment & Multi Pe

**Year 1**

**Chapter 6: Genetic Experiment & Multi Personalities**

Original Chapter 13 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: For those of you who don't know, Lucky is an animatronic dinosaur made by the Disney Imagineers.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-6-}**

Harry Potter was Not Happy. With capitals emphasizing how Not Happy he was. Had there been anyone around him (save the idiot in front of him who hadn't stopped talking), they would have been able to hear the capital letters in that sentence without Harry even saying it out loud.

Why was he Not Happy? Simple.

What would have been a perfectly wonderful night, what SHOULD have been a perfectly wonderful night staying in the common room and reading up on the latest updates of the BBC was ruined the moment Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley dragged him down a trap door. Well, actually, they pushed him down the trap door, saying: "Save the Stone!" (they didn't even answer his question of "What stone?"), and left – LEFT! – him alone.

This wouldn't have been so bad – after all, there was a 'Fluffy' guarding the trap door – whatever 'Fluffy' was. Harry was pretty sure it was a birth defect, or maybe a genetic experiment gone wrong. Yeah, that's it, a genetic experiment with growth hormones (How else could there be a three-headed dog bigger than the Dursley's house?). He was at that point in time, away from 'Fluffy', when he wondered if he could get a picture and sell it to the National Enquirer or the Globe. Maybe something to put up with the Page2 girl.

But as the saying goes, out of the frying pan, and into the fire.

He traded an _animal_-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong for a _plant_-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong. Whatever the hell he had landed on it had vines (or at least he thought it was vines – it didn't feel like the Giant Squid – also an animal-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong's tentacles) and it had tried to eat him. What in the hell was wrong with it that it wanted to eat _him_? He was all bones and skinnier than a toothpick.

He poked it with that fake "wand" he'd gotten so long ago and hoped the lighter in it still worked. He hadn't found the trigger on it, but there was always hope it would start a fire like it had with Ollivander. It did and the plant-gone-wrong left him alone.

Having decided that the only way to get out would be to go forward, he went on.

**{-6-}**

"Great, mini-robots," Harry said, catching sight of the flying keys. "And broomsticks? Am I supposed to smack the mini-robots? Hmmm, they're flying far too high for that." Harry tried the door handle. "Locked. Let's see, where is that… aha!"

Harry pulled out a set of lock picks (something he'd picked up a long time ago to deal with Big D and his gang), and set about getting the door unlocked. A small 'click' sounded and he opened the door with ease.

**{-6-}**

The next room had a giant chess set. As he tried to cross the board the pawns came alive and didn't let him pass.

"Animatronics from hell? Disney endorses this place? I wonder if Lucky will come for a visit." Harry backed up, hopped off the chessboard, and walked around it, still mumbling about Lucky. As is, the animatronic chess set was hitting one another. Best that he wasn't around when the maintenance staff came in to find out what happened. They might blame him or something.

**{-6-}**

"Ew?" Harry said, holding his nose through the next room. What appeared to be a large troll (magic wasn't real so it must have been a movie prop, perhaps from Lord of the Rings?) was in the room. It was apparently out like a light. Its stench however was not.

"What did they use…" he muttered, "perfume du skunk on this thing? Ugh." Harry quickly exited to the next room, stopping only to grab the prop's club (just in case it was a robot and woke back up).

**{-6-}**

As soon as Harry was through the next door, multi-colored flames spread in the doorways, causing Harry to jump.

"Weird colors. Wonder if it's a hologram?" Harry pondered out loud, before taking off his robes and throwing them in the fire. They caught fire and so disproved his theory.

"Right, then. Must be chemicals changing the color." Which probably meant that the chemicals were being spread. Harry wasn't sure if the chemicals changing the color of the fire were toxic to him or not. He walked towards the table, completely ignoring the piece of paper, and found the vials. With all the liquid inside the vials being clear, Harry came to one conclusion:

"Water!"

He took out his canteen (why he had started carrying it around was due to the lousy castle not having drinking fountains at all), which was much bigger than the small bottles on the table, and mixed all the potions together. Being of a rather cool temperature, the potions only reactions to each other were to bubble slightly. Adding heat to the mixture would likely cause an explosion. Harry didn't know this, and poured the potions onto the fire.

The sizzling and cracking sounds coming from the fire didn't sound very good, so Harry went back to the table, turned it on its side, and hid behind it. Just in time too, as the fire, the doorway it was in, and most of the wall was taken out in a loud _BOOM!_

"Oops," Harry said, surveying the destruction he caused. "I guess it wasn't water. Must have been nitroglycerin or something," he surmised. He then started cursing as he moved several pieces of debris out of his way. He was not a happy camper as he got into the last room.

**{-6-}**

Unknown to Harry, the explosion was loud enough to attract the attention of several Professors, who hurried to the third floor corridor.

**{-6-}**

Quirrell had been knocked out by the explosion, though the face on the back of his head (his turban had been blown off) was not.

"I shall kill you!" the face said. It must have been some type of experimental drug not working correctly – a multiple personality disorder drug maybe? The second personality appeared to function independently from Quirrell.

"I believe that," Harry said, sarcastically, even if the face was rather convincing.

The Professors who heard the explosion finally showed up. Harry turned to Professor Snape before any of them could speak. "Excuse me, Professor. Is this another one of your patients? I wasn't aware that they were allowed to teach, although one is in charge of the Asylum so I suppose it's possible."

"Not an asylum!" McGonagall said, before noticing the face on the back of Quirrell's head. "What is _that_? No, what are you doing, Potter? _Don't touch it!_"

Harry, who had just poked the extra face in the vicinity of its forehead, looked up, missing the pained look Voldemort gave before he screamed and was forced out of Quirrell's body. Quirrell's body then melted, which Harry did notice, and then he gave a horrified wail.

"What kind of chemicals did you use on that fire? Oh god, I inhaled them too didn't I? Oh god, I'm gonna die! I don't want to die!" Before Harry could get any more hysteric then he already was Snape stunned him from behind. Typical.

**{-6-}**

He woke up in the hospital wing where Snape explained that whatever chemicals he had inhaled, Pomfrey had cleared them away. (In actuality she didn't even find any chemicals.) "Yeah, then what about the possibility of growing an extra face out of the back of my head like that other guy? Is that going to happen to me?"

Snape's eye twitched ever so slightly. "No."

"You sure? Because even if I want to be a Janus, I don't want to look like him. He was too creepy."

Snape was saved having to respond again with another negative of some sort when Dumbledore came in to question him.

They chatted for a few minutes, or more like Dumbledore chatted with Harry's only reply was: "Stone? What stone? Granger and Weasley said something about a stone. Is that the stone you're looking for? Tell you what – I'll keep an eye out for it next time I'm in a potentially lethal situation with toxic chemicals, insane psychotics, and genetic experiments gone wrong. So that will be as soon as I'm out of here, right?"

Dumbledore didn't know how to respond to that and only smiled, thinking to downplay Harry's words.

**END OF YEAR 1**

**{-6-}**

Rune: And the Power Poke of Doom™ makes its appearance. Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	8. Chapter 8: Malfoy's Minions

**BOOK 2 beginning**

**Year 2**

**Chapter 7: Malfoy's Minions**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-7-}**

It was early in the morning at Hogwarts when Harry stumbled into the Great Hall and sat down for breakfast. "Bloody castle," Harry groused. "You'd think this place could put up some decent lighting or at least some maps of the place," he commented to himself, wondering where he could file a complaint of the building not being up to code.

"So you made it to breakfast today, eh Potter?" drawled a familiar voice.

The noise level dropped in the Great Hall as a lot of the breakfast participants wanted to see something exciting.

Harry looked up and sure enough, there stood Malfoy and his goons. "Yes, Draco, I'm here. Satisfied?"

Draco smirked as he jabbed, "I don't know how you can get lost coming here. I mean you came here all of last year for all your meals."

"I guess some of us are either just trying to suppress their memories of this place, or we don't have minions like yours to tell us which way to go in this insane asylum," Harry replied honestly. "Speaking of which, I think it is high time I have some minions of my own. Hey Fred! George! You want to be my minions?"

"And by minion," Fred started.

"You mean what exactly?" George finished.

"You know, the regular minion stuff. You fetch me from my dorm and bring me to dinner, get my slippers for me on cold nights, and get to beat up those patients I feel need a good beating."

"Sounds good, mate! I'm in!"

"Me too!" his brother replied. "Ooofff! Ginny, what… oh, right. Can my sister be a minion as well?"

"Sure," Harry agreed. "Why not? The more the merrier."

"Hey, Harry," Roger Davies asked from another table. "Can I be a rising dark lord instead of your minion?"

"Why in the heck would you want to be a dark lord? Don't you realize how stupid that sounds?" Harry shot back.

"Uh… then what do you suggest?" Roger stammered.

"You can be a rising dark _scientist_. Lord knows there are enough of them around here, somewhere."

"Okay," Roger gave him the thumbs up to that idea.

"Hey, Harry, if Ginny gets to be your minion, can I be one too?" a Gryffindor girl asked.

"Sure. Who are you again?"

"Romilda Vane, cute minion #1," she responded immediately.

"Hey, hey, hey," Ginny cut in. "I'm cute minion #1. I was first."

"Well, technically, George and I were #1, but we don't want to be known as cute minions 1 and one-half," Fred grinned.

"Hey, Harry," another girl (a brunette) from Hufflepuff table chimed in, "can I be sexy minion #1?"

"Sure?" Harry agreed.

"Thanks, Harry, and my friend Sue here wants to be sexy minion #2. That okay?"

"Sure. Hey Fred, we're going to need t-shirts for everyone."

"Oh no you don't, Potter!" Malfoy snapped. "Bad enough you try to take my minion trademark from me, but now you want to give them all t-shirts?"

"Why're you upset, Draco? Just get more minions like me," Harry suggested.

"Oh, right. Theodore, Blaise, you seven guys from the Quidditch team – you can all be my minions," Draco snapped his fingers.

Blaise summed up all the startled expressions and said after a nod from all the males present, "Uh, no. We don't minion that way, cappice?"

**{-7-}**

"…but Uncle Sev," Draco started.

"No, for the last time, no! Potter may be insufferable, but his idea is sound. You shouldn't be so insistent to add only guys to his minions list. Why not include some girls. Why, Samantha Zybrist is a fine specimen that you would be proud to make into one of your minions. Next time you see her, go talk to her."

**{-7-}**

And so it came to be that Draco Malfoy, scion of the House of Malfoy (for all that meant), approached the 3rd year Slytherin Samantha Zybrist to announce that she could do no better than to join him as his minion.

And so it came to be that Draco Malfoy, scion of the House of Malfoy was in short order trying to staunch the flow of blood from his broken nose while said 3rd year Slytherin stormed over to where Harry Potter was lounging in a chair, one leg over the chair's arm.

"Potter!"

"Hi Sam," Harry greeted.

"If this is what it takes to keep inbred dweebs like Malfoy away from me, then I want to be one of your minions as well."

"Okay," Harry agreed. "You're in. Let me know what size t-shirt you need."

"Good. Now is there going to be free candy? Because I don't minion unless I get a daily chocolate frog."

"Wow," Harry looked at a stunned Blaise and Theo Nott. "Who would have thought getting a lot of pretty girls to be my minions would be so hard?"

**{-7-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	9. Chapter 9: Let's Meet Lockhart

**Year 2**

**Chapter 8: Let's Meet Lockhart**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-8-}**

"I say, Harry? Hold up a second, would you?" asked an unfamiliar voice.

Harry turned around in the otherwise deserted corridor and said, "Who are you?"

"Why, I'm your new Defense teacher," the man smiled. "I'm professor Lockhart."

"Really? You bought into all this magic crap?" Harry wondered.

The man kept smiling. "Yes, I mean No, I mean… uh… what do you mean again?"

"I mean," Harry started, "that all this magic mumbo jumbo is such hogwash here at Hogwarts. It's a joke. I haven't learned any decent card tricks yet. Or sleight of hand. And don't get me started that no one has bothered to show us how to cut someone in half."

The smile faltered. "Wouldn't that kill them?"

"Not if you do it right and put them back together. You know, like David Copperfield. Now that's magic."

"So this David Copperfield fellow certainly knows his magic you say. Has he done any impressive feats that I could take credit, I mean, that he's not known for?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Not sure. You'd have to ask him. I know he has started to make buildings or monuments disappear. That is pretty cool. Not sure which ones."

Lockhart rubbed his chin. "Interesting… very interesting. You know how to get in touch with him?"

"You could always join his fan club," Harry suggested. "So are you going to teach us how to saw a woman in half?"

"Ha-ha-ha, certainly I will, Harry my boy, don't you worry about it. Just let me talk with this Copperfield first to get my… uh… technique down and what have you."

"Meaning what for the meantime? More essays to assign on how vampires are bad?"

"You've done that already, eh? Got any suggestions then?"

"How about teaching us to play poker? At least that is a skill I can use."

"Dragon poker?" Locked inquired, arching an eyebrow.

"Haven't heard about that one," Harry supplied. "Just regular poker. Like the ones done at a casino. Say, have you ever been to a casino?"

"Unfortunately, more than I should," Lockhart admitted.

"So if I understand this right, you are a so-called wizard, you're middle-aged, not married, been to a casino more than once, and yet you have to work here. Hmmm, maybe I don't want you to teach me poker if that is what I have to look forward to," Harry grimaced.

"Hey, I can teach you how to win at poker," Lockhart protested.

"Prove it," Harry challenged.

**{-8-}**

"Okay, class, remember what I said? Cornish pixies are irritable rascals. Now, deuces are wild, jacks or better to open, no legilimency, and a sickle in the pot to start. Who fancies a game of chance?"

**{-8-}**

"I can't believe it," Harry grumbled as he walked back to his dorm.

"I know," Blaise commiserated, walking beside him. "My whole allowance for the month gone in a single afternoon."

"I guess we should look at the bright side," Harry said.

"That Professor Lockhart lost his signing bonus?" Blaise looked at Harry, grinning.

"Yeah," Harry chuckled.

"Did you see the way the Weasel cried when he lost his wand?"

"Ahhh, he'll probably get it back once he apologizes or something. No one would want that stick the way he uses it to scratch…"

"Don't finish that statement, Potter!" Blaise instructed.

Harry just grinned. "Still… who knew Granger was such a card shark? I'm going to have to get to know her better."

**{-8-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	10. Chapter 10: Filch – the Paranoid Anti-so

**Year 2**

**Chapter 9: Filch – the Paranoid Anti-social Stalker**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-9-}**

There was blood on the walls. There was a cat on the floor, not moving. Harry stopped his trek to see what was going on. There was Filch and some professors as well. This couldn't be good.

"My Mrs. Norris!" Filch cried again.

"There, there," the headmaster patted him on the back. "We'll catch the culprits who did this," he assured.

"I watch them, you know, sniff," Filch sniffed into his sleeve. "They're rotten to the core. All of them. Even… you! Potter! You did this!"

"What?" That caught Harry off guard.

"Came to watch an old caretaker lose his companion is that it? Come to gloat over your malfeasance?"

"What?" That was Harry again, caught off guard that Filch knew to use the word malfeasance.

"You're around here, boy, so you must be responsible! What did you do to my Mrs. Norris?"

"You know," Harry started, "for a paranoid anti-social stalker, you don't pay close enough attention to me. I'm not skilled enough with chemistry…"

"Potions," Dumbledore corrected.

"Whatever. I'm not skilled enough to pull off doping your cat enough to keep its eyes open."

"Fine, I guess…" Filch agreed.

Harry cocked his head to the side and replied, "Unless I were to use some Crazy Glue to keep its eyes open after I got the cat doped up…"

Filch pointed at Harry and screamed, "See?! See?! Punish him! He did it! He admits it!"

Harry calmly responded, "Not at all. Because I'm still not skilled enough in chemistry…" (Harry looked at Dumbledore to see if he corrected him again) "… at chemistry to figure out how to dope your cat. That is the initial issue I see."

"Fine, I guess…." Filch acquiesced.

"Unless I ordered something from offsite to do it…" Harry surmised.

"See?! See?! He admits it again!" Filch pointed out.

"Not at all. Because there is no way for me to order anything," Harry pointed out. "It's not like there is a phone anywhere in this castle – I know; I've looked."

"You could always order it by owl," Filch pointed out.

"That's crazy talk. Which suits this nut house fine, but does not get past the one thing here: I don't use owls to order supplies because that would mean I would have to believe in magic – which as this old and senile patient will confirm, I don't believe it," Harry pointed to Dumbledore who nodded that Harry was speaking the truth.

"…but you're in a school for magic," Filch almost asked.

"Don't remind me," Harry grimaced.

"Then, why are you here?" Filch was confused.

Harry grit his teeth, saying, "Apparently my parents were so concerned about my mental well-being while I was a toddler, that they enrolled me in this loony bin before I had my first shrink test. Gotta love the people that grew up in that generation of free love.

"I thought that was the 60's. Lots of free pharmaceuticals too. Good times," Filch reminisced.

Harry put his hands up in surrender. "TMI, man, T-M-I."

**{-9-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	11. Chapter 11: The Plight of Colin

**Year 2**

**Chapter 10: The Plight of Colin**

New chapter by Steve2

Something that was fun to write, and I did it partially before I even started this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-10-}**

"Look, I'm telling you, Superduperman could kick any Dark Lord's behind six ways to Sunday," Fred pressed his case to the table.

At said table sat his brother and fellow Gryffindor, George, and two Slytherins: Blaise Zabini and one Harry Potter. It was another typical Saturday morning, roughly a half hour before lunch, and the foursome were exploring their favorite topic – that of Harry trying to get them interested in superhero comics. Maybe break them out of that 'I can do magic' insanity.

"That may be so, but what happened to Filch's cat probably wasn't done by a dark lord," Blaise pointed out.

"That may be so, young snake," George agreed, his head coming up from reading one of Harry's comics, "but it wasn't done as a joke either. Believe me, we know jokes and that wasn't funny."

"You know," Harry chimed in, "I still haven't figured out how they got the cat's eyes to stay open like that. I mean, Filch was all for blaming me and who could blame him, but my chemistry scores aren't that good yet for me to make a hallucinogenic to do that."

"A what?"

"Hmmm, that's right – you still believe in magic. Okay. How about: I haven't figured out how to brew a 'potion' of doing that."

"Oooohhhh," both brothers oh'ed.

"Hey, Harry?" a different voice asked behind the dark-haired boy.

Harry turned in his seat. "Yes?" he said.

FWOOSH! A camera bulb went off in his face. "Ack!" he grimaced.

"Thanks, Harry! That was a great shot. I'll get you some copies when I develop them," he grinned happily. "Maybe we can do lunch?"

"My eyes! I can't see!"

"I'll go get them developed and we can do lunch together. I've always wanted that. Bye, Harry!"

"You know," Harry blinked vision back into his now-working eyes. "I'm really beginning to hate that kid," he grumbled.

Fred had an idea. It happened now and then. "You know, Harry, if you were a superhero, how would you handle him?"

"Good question, brother of mine in all but appearances. In fact, let's make it an open question to the table. How would we handle that kid or get a superhero to handle that Colin kid. Best one with an idea by next week wins a prank of their choice."

Harry cocked his head sideways and smiled a knowing grin.

"Uh-oh. I know that look. Get ready to pay up, guys," Blaise said.

**{-10-}**

A week later, they sat down at the same table, before lunch, to go over their ideas.

Fred pulled out a picture of a mostly orange-wearing man. "If Colin came at me, I'll call Auqamanti-man…"

"You mean, Aquaman," Harry corrected.

Fred replied, "Whatever. I'd have him drench the kid in water every time he pulled out his camera. How's that?"

"Wow, Fred, you thought of that all by yourself? Or did you have help?" Harry shook his head.

Fred grinned and said, "Ahhh, I started to do my research on Colin and found my heart really wasn't into it since the kid only seems to mess with you."

"Bite me," Harry returned.

"Hey, I'm not a vampire," Fred commented.

"Neither am I. What's that got to do with anything?" Harry wondered.

"Before we go down this tangent again," George began, "I'd like to point out that if I had my way, I'd call my sister Ginny when Colin brought out his camera so she could stick up for you, Harry."

"Go to hell, you wanker," Harry grinned.

George laughed at that and ruffled Harry's hair a bit. Harry of course shoved George's hand off his head.

Harry looked at Blaise for a little help. Or something.

"If it were me," Blaise said, "I'd file a complaint with the Aurors and have the camera confiscated."

"That's not the superhero way," Harry pointed out.

"True, but I am an aristocrat, and we have an image to uphold."

"So what did you come up with, Harry?" Fred asked.

Harry pulled out some parchment and handed it over to the guys to read. "This is a little something I came up with."

**{-10-}**

**The Plight of Colin**

It was late at night. Reed Richards, or Mr. Fantastic as he was known to most everyone in the city, was just finishing work on his latest invention, an electronic babysitter for Franklin when he heard pounding coming from the lab. He wanted to ignore it, but it was persistent and he eventually got up from his computer and started to investigate.

It couldn't be Johnny or Ben – they were gone for the weekend. Sue was downstairs and if she needed anything, she would just call on the intercom. Where was that blasted noise coming from?

Uh-oh, he froze, finally realizing where the sound was coming from. The portal to the Negative Zone now had a metal disk in front of it to keep out anybody that shouldn't be coming in without an invitation.

Reed quickly walked over and set the security settings of the room on maximum and prepared to open the portal. From overhead panels, lethal looking devices of all shapes and sizes pointed towards to the portal.

Reed walked next to the portal and clicked the button to open it.

The disk slid aside and there in all his green and purple glory stood Annihilus, the most feared foe of the Negative Zone Reed could think of.

They looked at each other for a few moments. Reed was about to press another button to start the lethal devices shooting at the creature, for all the good it would do.

"You took the other one through this portal, man," Annihilus said. "My forces saw you take him with you and your youngling."

Understanding, Reed replied, "Yes, we brought Harry back with us."

"We found another of his kind and are giving him to you." With that, Annihilus motioned and one of his forces brought forth a smiling young man with blond hair.

"Hi! You haven't seen Harry around have you?"

"Quiet!" Annihilus roared to the young man. Then back to Reed, "You will take him."

Reed, unsure of what exactly was going on, stretched about six feet forward to reach the young man, taking him by hand and bringing him to Earth.

"Thanks, mister! Gosh, that was fun, Mr. Annihilus! We should do it again!" Then the young man reached into a pocket and pulled out an old camera with a flashbulb and took a quick picture of Annihilus.

"He is yours now, man!" Annihilus decreed, moving back into the Negative Zone. "No givebacks!"

Reed clicked the close button on the disk and could have sworn he heard Annihilus in the distance mutter, "…sucker" but wasn't sure so let it go. Sensing no immediate threat, the lethal devices all returned back to their ready state, hidden.

The lab back to normal, Reed turned to the young man. "Hello. My name is Reed Richards."

"Hi! I'm Colin Creevy! Wow, nice place you have here. And gravity! That's great! Say, you wouldn't happen to know Harry Potter would you? He and I are great friends!"

"Why, yes, I know Harry Potter. How do you know him?"

"He and I went to school together! We're pals!"

"Well, let's see about talking to him. Are you hungry after your stay in the Negative Zone?"

"Sure! Harry and I always ate at the same table, you know that?"

"Hi Reed, what's up?" came the voice over a special phone.

"Hi Harry. An interesting development has come up from the Negative Zone."

"You need any help with that?" Harry asked helpfully.

"Funny you should say that. Do you know a Colin Creevy?"

"Sure. Blond hair, medium height, smiles a lot, has a camera. Why?"

Reed explained the situation with Annihilus to Harry. "…so you understand why you would be the first person I contacted if he is another wizard like you."

"Hmmm, that is certainly odd," agreed Harry. "I wonder why he was in the Negative Zone."

"That is a mystery, Harry. One he might share with you."

"I agree, Reed. Say, I'm in the middle of something here for the next six hours. Do you mind keeping him until I can get there a little later tonight?"

"Sure thing, Harry. He's eating some of Sue's sandwiches now. It shouldn't be a problem."

"Thanks, Reed. I'll call you and let you know when to expect me. Give my love to Sue and Franklin."

"See you soon, Harry," Reed concluded, hanging up the phone.

Half a world away, a monarch finished listening to an intercepted call. His calculating eyes processed all that he had heard. This was not something to be missed.

"You! Ready the shuttle. We need to visit an old friend within the next five hours."

Roughly four and a half hours later…

"…and that was when I first met Harry. That was when I knew we'd be best friends forever."

"Glxybltle?" Franklin looked up to him, putting something plastic in his mouth.

Sue was asleep on the couch.

"I know, it surprised me as well, but we are still best buds to this day!"

"ALERT! ALERT! INTRUDER DETECTED!" boomed a mechanical voice throughout the living quarters.

Sue woke instantly. "Reed! What's happening?" She lifted Franklin into her arms and put up a force field around them.

Suddenly, Dr. Doom was standing a few feet away, one hand deactivating the chameleon field he'd used to infiltrate the building, and the other hand grabbing the wrist of Colin.

"Come with me, boy!" he spat, using his free hand to blow a hole in the wall. On the other side was a small plane that seemed to float next to the building.

"Sue!" Reed exclaimed as he ran into the room.

"Another time, Richards!" Doom gloated as he flew to the waiting plan, his prisoner in tow.

"Thanks, guys! I had a swell time!" Colin yelled after them.

In low orbit of Earth, Doom set the controls back to his native land and turned to his captive secured in the seat behind him.

FWOOSH!

"What the…?" Doom startled as Colin put his camera away. Strange, he thought, the restraints were all undone. He would need to look into that some more.

"Are you taking me to see Harry now?" Colin smiled as he looked out the window.

"We are returning to my native land first. There I will find out what makes you a wizard like Potter and I will take that power and add it to my own," Doom crowed.

"Okay," Colin looked at him. "Hey, did I ever tell you how I became friends with Harry Potter? It all started the day I learned I was a wizard and the teacher came out to tell me a little history of the magical world, and she had this book about Harry and…"

Roughly four hours later Doom's craft landed at his castle and the Doombots rushed forward to secure it and provide any assistance they could to their master. The door opened and out strode their master in his green cowl. Behind him was another man of late teens, early 20's approximately carrying a camera.

FWOOSH! Went the bulb as he took a picture of the Doombots servicing the plane. "…and that was how my first day at Hogwarts ended. Now the next day, I woke up early so I could get downstairs and meet Harry before breakfast."

"Silence!" Doom commanded.

"Sure thing. I can be silent. Uh-huh," Colin agreed.

Doom continued his stride to his lab, Colin walking behind him, taking pictures.

The silence lasted until he got to the door.

"Say, your castle doesn't look anything like Hogwarts. Have you ever thought of having students here? I bet you could get Harry to come if you made it nicer…"

Doom turned around and incanted a silencing spell and pointed to Colin. There! That should give him some much needed quiet.

They made their way down a couple corridors to the lab. "Neat!" exclaimed Colin, taking pictures of all the equipment.

Doom looked at the young wizard. How had he broken that silencing spell…? No matter, he could prattle all he wanted but it would avail him naught. He motioned for one of his Doombots to grab Colin and secure him to a table.

Colin did not struggle as the Doombot led him over to a table and strapped him to it.

"I don't remember any kind of table like this at Hogwarts," Colin began, "but I knew of a certain potions professor that I wanted to do this to. So did Harry. We talked about it at length some evenings. Let me tell you about it…"

Doom turned away from Colin and started up the machines. Within moments there was a satisfactory hum going throughout the lab and Doom moved to see the results on the monitor. That was strange. It wasn't reading anything…

"…so Harry told me about his first day in potions class. It was a nightmare, really…"

Doom turned towards Colin and startled to find that he was no longer on the table but instead directly behind him, still taking pictures.

Doom looked at the table again. The restraints were still active. How did he…

"How did you get off that table, boy?" Doom barked.

"Hmm? Oh, I got up. It was easy. Say, you want to hear about my first lunch with Harry? It was my second day at Hogwarts and…"

Four more times Doom tried to start an analysis of Colin.

He tried to immobilize him and use a hand scanning device. Colin simply smiled and talked about Harry as the device crumbled in Doom's hands and Colin raised his hand to take a picture of it.

He ordered one of his Doombots to hold Colin while he cast spells. Colin told about his first encounter with a Weasley (whoever that was), who was also friends with Harry, and the spells for some reason all said that the camera was indeed a vintage 50's style press camera. Doom was looking at his hands trying to figure out if he had miscast the spell when Colin took a selfie with the Doombot, his arm now around the neck of the bot.

He ordered up a special treat for his guest, a food bar that Colin ate. That should have been enough knock-out juice to keep him asleep for a week, Doom thought, as he put him back on the table. He went to his monitor again to see the results and saw… nothing. Turning, he wasn't surprised to see Colin behind him, smiling and taking his picture. FWOOSH!

He ordered Colin to give him his arm so he could take some blood. Colin did so, and soon Doom thought he had the upper hand until he went to find a vein. It took a few minutes and Doom put the needle in. He extracted a vial of blood and grinned in triumph. He put it under a microscope to see if there were any oddities before he did further testing only to see the blood evaporate before his eyes. He checked the tube. Sure enough, it was empty. Colin took his picture while talking about Harry.

Doom knew he was going to have to think more on this.

"Boy! You will be put in a room until I have need for you again!" With that, he instructed a Doombot to take Colin away and put him in a dungeon while he went to his room to think more on this.

Day 2 started on a note that Doom had been expecting. Somehow the wizard Potter got a hold of his private AOL account and sent him an email. It stated:

_Doom – let me know when you want to return Colin. HP_

No threats, Doom mused. His defenses must be working if it is keeping that Harry Potter away from retrieving his compatriot.

Doom smirked. He knew it would be only a matter of time to find out these wizards' secret.

FWOOSH!

Blast it! How did that wizard get out of the dungeon the Doombots had put him in?

Across the country, in Scotland, Ororo Munroe looked at her friend. "You sent Doom a message?"

"Yep."

"That's all?"

"Yep."

A moment went by. "I don't understand this. You jump into action at much less. Why not go and rescue this other wizard, Colin?"

Harry smirked at some hidden knowledge and replied, "Because I know Colin."

Day 3 started with Dr. Doom on his throne. Granted it was porcelain and had water in the bottom of it and a handle on the tank, but it was his throne. He was reading a leading periodical on robot creation: Starlog.

FWOOSH!

"What the…?" Doom shouted, looking up and seeing Colin pointing his camera out of the Monarch Rain Drip system, past the sheets covering the tub.

"It's a natural shot, Mr. Doom!" Colin greeted. "There was this time when I was in the Gryffindor tower and had to sneak my way to the girl's showers, which wasn't easy even if Harry was helping me…"

Day 4 was a bright and sunny day. Doom had erected magical barriers around his throne room and made sure to look in the Monarch Rain Drip system area for anyone hiding there. He was relieved no one else was there when he relieved himself.

Later, he had a Doombot bring up Colin to his lab.

This, of course, was the start of the day's problems.

"Where is the boy, robot?" Doom commanded at the Doombot that entered the room sans Colin.

"Male subject not in cell, exalted one," it replied.

"Oh Mr. Doom!" came that joyful voice behind Doom. He knew he wasn't going to like it.

He turned and fate proved him right.

Colin was standing next to the exam table, this time with a spare set of Doom armor in his hands.

No, not quite a spare set.

This one was shaped like a woman.

"Hi, Doomy," a falsetto voice came from Colin as he manipulated the head of the armor. "I thought you were lonely so I'm here to brighten your day."

Doom was at a loss for words.

Day 5 started with Dr. Doom giving Colin a present. Granted, he wasn't one to wrap a present much, but he still tried.

Colin opened the newspaper-wrapped box.

"What it is?" Colin grinned.

Dr. Doom smoothly replied, "It's a cow bell. I hear you young people like to wear it around your necks these days."

Day 6 started off early with Doom standing in a pentagram, chanting up a storm.

This was going to do it, he just knew it. Those wizard secrets would be his!

Of course, this woke Colin up from his slumber in the dungeon, and he quickly made his way up to the courtyard in time to see Doom chant next to a bonfire.

FWOOSH! The picture was taken.

Doom knew he would beat this young boy. He could take as many pictures as he wanted. Nothing would stop him now.

Colin listened for another few seconds and then started singing along with the chanting.

"_Take the last train to Clarksville,  
>And I'll meet you at the station.<br>You can be there by four thirty,  
>'Cause I made your reservation.<br>Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!  
>Oh, no, no, no!"<em>

He was no singer, and it showed as Doom got distracted and messed up a verse in the chant in order to sing along with "Last Train to Clarksville" by the Monkees.

He stopped moving around the pentagram.

He had failed in this attempt.

He looked down.

The cow bell was now around Doom's neck.

Day 7 did not start off well. Colin was in the lab with Dr. Doom, who had grown frustrated at not having any luck with this young wizard.

FWOOSH!

Blast it, that was the last straw!

An irate Dr. Doom turned and shot off a killing spell towards Colin.

The blue-ish/purple spell crossed the couple meters in an instant and hit Colin, enveloping him in its lethal fury.

The moment froze.

Then…

Colin raised his camera and took a picture of Doom's expression (as it were), saying, "Great shot, Mr. Doom!"

How did he survive… Doom's mind ran over scenarios of how to survive that spell but didn't come up with any.

By Day 8, Doom had finally had enough. He sat at his Commodore computer and started up his system, waiting for the modem to connect at its blazing speed of 28.8.

Once up, he composed a message.

_Potter. You win. This wizard is yours. He will be in my courtyard at noon for you pick him up. Dr. Doom – King._

Message sent, he looked around at the mess Colin had made of his devices. Ash, crumbled wires, bits of metal and plastic. He shook his head.

A short while later, Doom took Colin out to courtyard and they waited for noon to come. A legion of Doombots were all pointing guns towards Colin. "Wow, Mr. Doom! That's a lot of robots. Say, did I ever tell you about the time Harry asked me about golems?"

A nervous tick started above Doom's left eye.

A helicopter in the distance took shape.

Soon, Doom thought. Soon, all would be better.

His defenses down, the helicopter was joined by three more helicopters, and the first one landed. Out jumped several individuals with guns pointed at Doom.

Two individuals ran forward and grabbed an un-protesting Colin and started dragging him off to the helicopter.

Doom watched impassively.

"We have him, leader!" radioed the first man. "Yes. He is onboard. Hail Hydra!"

Doom still watched impassively.

The helicopter rose, one guard still on the ground, his weapon trained on Doom.

The aircraft all flew away.

Silence.

"The exit is over there," Doom indicated a wooden door.

The human guard ran to the door and pushed.

"Pull it open, you imbecile!" Doom yelled.

He did so and ran off.

"Good help is so hard to find," Doom groused as he returned to his lab.

He stopped when he saw Potter in the lab, looking at something on a desk.

"Where's Colin?" Harry asked innocently, looking Dr. Doom in the eyes.

"About 30 kilometers from here moving quickly. If I had to guess, he was taken by a terrorist organization by the name of Hydra." Suckers.

Harry clicked his tongue, scratched his nose, and said, "I was going to ask what you wanted him for, but I think the better question would be, what did you do to him, you perv?"

To Doom's dismay, Potter levitated up the female Doom armor that was hidden behind a file cabinet.

"That's not mine. I swear it."

"A likely story," Harry noted. "You despots are all the same."

Harry Potter didn't stay long, Doom was glad. Potter looked around the lab some more, saw the pictures of Doom and Colin on the desk and then waved his hand and teleported away, probably going after those Hydra members.

Doom smiled. All was right again with the world.

"Doomy?" a voice called after him.

Slowly, he turned his head and saw the female armor animated once again, coming his way while swishing its hips.

"Oh no," Doom started.

FWOOSH!

Panicked, Doom turned around to see a smaller version of Doom armor, looking like Colin in the face and having metal hair, walking around taking pictures. "Wow, Mr. Doom! This place is great! Are you and Mrs. Doom going to kiss? Want me to take a picture of that?"

Doom almost cried. He settled for his nervous tick spreading to both eyes. "My life sucks…"

**{-10-}**

Fred, George and Blaise all put the story down and looked at an anxious Potter.

"You win," Fred said simply.

George supplied, "You have too much time on your hands, Harry."

Harry grinned. "Blame it on the damn hologram teaching History. We really need to talk to the programmers to tweak the audio files. It's all I can do to stay awake in that class."

Blaise chuckled and shook his head. Only Harry could come up with something that outlandish.

"Now about that prank you owe me, how about a certain device I'm thinking of…"

**{-10-}**

Steve2 Note: I will give a shout out to the first person who can tell me where this story should have taken place. It was originally written as an omake for a certain story (which is a very large story with 20+ chapters right now) and the author thought it wasn't appropriate for his story since his is more serious and mine is humorous. Still, I hated to waste an omake so here it is. More of my other omakes to come! Not like this one though.

There was one additional item for this chapter. This "omake" was originally planned as the first of three short stories that I envisioned. Would you like to read the others? If so, let me know and I will work on them. They have not yet been created. But it does include more members of Harry's current and future posse. And I will also have to find a place to put them in. Grins.

And now a final question to all the readers: what should the prank be? Put on your thinking caps, folks! Best idea may be included later on.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	12. Chapter 12: Bathrooms, Tunnels, and Teac

**Year 2**

**Chapter 11: Bathrooms, Tunnels, and Teachers**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-11-}**

Harry felt like he was having Déjà vu again. It was because of that Weasley. It's always a Weasley he knew.

It had started out simply enough. It was nearing the end of a lousy year. Someone kept drugging students and putting them into comas. Not anyone from his house, but that's because they knew not to take recreational pharmaceuticals. Harry was in his room when someone knocked on the door. It was Malfoy. Another reason to not have a good day.

"Potter, you have a visitor. Outside."

"Really? You can't just bring them in?"

"Not this one. It's a Weasel."

So Harry went outside the common room entrance and who should be waiting for him but Ron Weasley.

Harry looked around for a few seconds. "Where's Granger? You two going to kidnap me again?"

"Yep," and with that, he grabbed his arm and yanked him to the Defense professor's office.

See? Déjà vu.

**{-11-}**

"Professor! I've got Potter with me like you asked! Are we going to find my sister now?"

"Oh, um, right," Lockhart began, then stopped. "You actually got him before I could get out, eh? Hmmm, that's interesting. But no, I really don't know where your sister is. Sorry," he tried to give a winning smile.

Oh for the love of… "She's probably in the 2nd floor loo again. Same as last time," Harry said.

Weasley and Lockhart looked amazed at him. "You know?" Ron prompted.

"Sure."

"How could you know?"

"Oh, the holograms told me. They're insane, you know. They think they're ghosts. Not a bit of ectoplasm on any of them. Right, ghosts," Harry snorted.

For a second time that night, Harry found himself dragged to another part of the castle. See, Déjà vu, right? Only this time instead of Weasley and Granger dragging him, he had Weasley pointing his "wand" at the professor and him.

Knowing the Ollivander guy, Weasley's wand probably had a built-in lighter as well that could put his clothes on fire. He pointed that out to the professor who nodded that he understood. Finally, someone showed some common sense!

**{-11-}**

After marching them both to the girl's bathroom, Ron looked at Harry and said, "So where is she?"

"Dunno. I've never been here before. I'm just glad it wasn't a bunch of stalls with chamber pots in here. That would have been in line with this looney bin."

"You could always ask the ghosts…" Ron started.

"Holograms," Harry corrected.

"Whatever. Ask them where she is."

"Sure. Why not? Hey, hologram-girl with the glasses and squeaky voice! Yeah, you! I see you over there! You see a girl here recently? Looks like Weasley!"

"Oh, sure. She went down the stairs in the middle of the room a little while back."

Stairs? Harry looked around and didn't see anything. Just a big circular sink. Harry looked around some more and then started thinking logically, which was a trait his inept classmates didn't have.

If he were some stairs… where would he be? Under the toilets? I don't think so. That just leaves the sink. He went back to the sink and noticed the lines of the carvings. Well, isn't that interesting…

"Hey, hologram! How do you get the stairs to show?"

Giggle. "Why, you hiss at it of course!" Then the dang hologram up and disappeared. Typical.

Hiss? Of course! "Of course!" Harry exclaimed. "It's voice activated! Like the holograms!"

"What?" That was Ron.

"Think! We're in a girl's bathroom to find some hidden stairs. No wonder no one else could find it; all the previous headmasters were too chicken to venture into the girl's loo. How insane is that?! Anyway, the stairs are under here. All we need to do it hiss at the sink for it to open."

"Hiss, hiss, hiss," Ron hissed in his best hissy voice.

"Hey, that was a little rude, don't you think," Harry shot back. "Just hiss at the sink, no need for calling names."

Ron blinked at Harry in confusion. "Look, why don't you try it," Ron hoped, keeping his wand still pointed at Lockhart.

"Fine." Harry got down on his knees and stared at the snake symbols on the sink.

"What are you doing?" Ron asked.

"Trying to get into character. If you do something, you might as well do it right."

"Can I quote you on that?" Lockhart inquired.

"Quiet! Let Potter work," Ron spat.

"Hissy, hiss, hiss, hissy," Harry hissy-ed.

The sink broke apart like Harry suspected it would and revealed some stairs. "There you go. Stairs. Now I'm going back to my room, and…"

"Down! Both of you go down!" Ron demanded, brandishing his wand.

Damn. Déjà vu. Harry was sure of it.

**{-11-}**

I always thought it was a little weird no one could figure out that big sink covered a set of stairs.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	13. Chapter 13: A-D-D at its Finest

**Year 2**

**Chapter 12: A-D-D at its Finest**

Original Chapter 4 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: This is just near the end of the second book; except the meeting isn't taking place in whoever's office it was originally to take place in. Huh?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-12-}**

Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Molly Weasley, and Arthur Weasley were in the Great Hall. It was just after dinner so they were the only ones in there, besides Professor Snape, who was hiding in a shadowy corner.

Molly was screaming about her daughter.

Cornelius was screaming about the Boy-Who-Lived.

And Albus was trying to get the both of them to quiet down.

Arthur was quiet. He had an odd feeling: like something big was about to come through the doors of the Great Hall at any moment.

His odd feeling hit dead on.

The double doors slammed open to reveal a pissed off and bloodied Harry Potter trailed by a shy and also bloodied Ginny Weasley.

"Ginny, my baby girl!" Molly cried, as she and Arthur rushed over to their youngest child. Harry in the meantime stalked right up to Dumbledore.

"You set an anaconda on me!"

"A what?" Cornelius and Albus asked, at the same time.

"The big-ass snake I just stuck this sword through the mouth of!" he yelled, waving the Gryffindor Sword around causing the two men to duck.

"How big, exactly?" Cornelius asked.

"Big-ass big, that's how big!" Harry answered, before turning to Dumbledore. "You people really want me to believe in this magic crap don't ya?"

Cornelius turned to Dumbledore, confused. Dumbledore gave him a sheepish look. "He doesn't believe in magic."

"Doesn't… believe… magic," Cornelius was unable to handle that piece of information and fainted on the spot. Dumbledore was not worried about that; he was far too interested in Harry's ranting.

"Of course I don't believe in magic! You're all insane asylum nuts! You let a dodgy old codger of questionable sanity, with a lemon drop obsession, rule this insane asylum! And you think I believe in the stuff you all are spouting? Yeah right! No chance in hell! Not even a snowball's. Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" Harry cut off his rant to think. Then it hit him.

He'd left Weasley somewhere in the school's escape tunnel after he'd hit his head on a stalactite. He'd also left Lockhart somewhere along the way, after the failed attempt to wipe Harry's memory. Said attempt only failed because Harry ducked… sort of.

**Flashback**

Harry wasn't even paying attention to Lockhart's rant about memory spells being the only thing the idiot was good at.

He had found a rock.

Just as Lockhart shot the spell, Harry bent down to pick up the rock. It was lodged into the earth a little, causing him to have to dig it out. That gave the spell enough time to ricochet off of a metal wall relief and hit Lockhart smack between the eyes.

"Pretty rock," Harry said. "Shiny too," he cooed. He admired his new rock and put it in his pocket. Only then did he notice the mumbling Lockhart.

"Poor guy," Harry sighed, "Just another to fall prey to the insane ones." He shook his head in pity then went on to find Ginny Weasley, one of his minions.

**End Flashback**

"My rock!" Harry exclaimed, all thought of Lockhart and Ron Weasley gone, as he pulled it out of his pocket. Dumbledore face-faulted.

'A-D-D at its finest,' Snape thought with a grin.

**{-12-}**

Rune: That was fun to write. This came from boredom and listening to too much Bill Engvall. Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2

**End of Year 2**


	14. Chapter 14: Gollum's Cousin Said I Mustn

**BOOK 3 Beginning**

**Year 3**

**Chapter 13: Gollum's Cousin Said I Mustn't**

Original Chapter 6 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: Scenes from the third and second books included.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-13-}**

Harry sighed as he dragged his trunk alongside him. His uncle blamed everything on him, it seemed.

His Aunt Marge had come to visit. That very evening, she had taken it upon herself to insult Harry's parents (as usual). Mr. Rock had then taken it upon himself to attack her and hit her in the head – the center of the forehead, in fact. Apparently Mr. Rock hit a pressure point because Marge then started to swell up like a balloon.

Dumbledore would probably claim that his 'magic' had reacted in anger and that it had thrown Mr. Rock at her before blowing her up (for she did, in fact, go boom – not in the house, thankfully).

But magic did not exist, and Dumbledore was nuts, so it must have been a pressure point.

And Vernon, quite naturally, blamed all of this on him. Maybe _he_ should be the one going to the insane asylum. Perhaps he should send Dumbledore a letter. As Harry pondered this, he was swinging his wand, pretending it was a sword.

'Pop.'

"Oh, look," Harry said cheerfully, "A bus. That's convenient." He boarded it.

"Welcome to the Knight Bus. I'm Stan Shunpike and I'll be your conductor for this evening. Where would you like to go?"

"To the Leaky Cauldron, please," Harry said, "I think it's in London somewhere."

"In London somewhere, he says," Stan chuckled, "Hit it Ern!"

Harry figured the ride was just plain weird since he was tired and probably a little down that he had been left his house before setting up the VCR.

**{-13-}**

**The Next Morning**

Dumbledore happily accepted the letter from the pretty white owl and then choked on another lemon drop as he read it.

'_Dear Insane Asylum Head Person,_

_Having realized that I am sane and my dearly beloved uncle is the one with the problems, I happily give up my spot for him._

_On September 1st, you should send Minder Snape to collect Vernon Dursley from #4 Privet Drive, as __I__ am no longer there._

_Have a nice day,  
>Harry Potter'<em>

After managing to swallow the candy (before his rapidly reddening face turned purple, or worse, blue), Dumbledore threw some Floo powder in the fireplace, "Minerva!"

**{-13-}**

**Half an Hour Later**

"Mr. Potter, you have to go to Hogwarts," Minerva sighed, "Don't you remember? We had this discussion last year."

Harry did remember.

**Flashback**

"Mister Harry Potter," the little creature said in awe.

"OH MY GOD! It's Gollum!" Harry exclaimed, before taking a closer look, "Well, maybe Gollum's cousin anyway."

"Mister Harry Potter is in great danger! He must not return to Hogwarts!" the creature said.

"So… I don't have to go back to Hogwarts?"

"Mister Harry Potter _must not_ return to Hogwarts."

"Yes!" Harry pumped a fist into the air.

**One Month Later (After Harry Failed To Show Up To The Feast)**

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said, "You have to go to Hogwarts."

"No, I don't," Harry replied.

"Yes, you do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't"

"Mr. Potter, what exactly makes you think you don't have to go?"

"Gollum's cousin said I mustn't," Harry told her. McGonagall's eyebrows rose.

"And if Gollum's cousin was lying?" she asked, dryly. Harry blinked.

"Damn."

**End Flashback**

Harry shook his head to clear away the memory.

"But my uncle has my spot," Harry told her.

"No he doesn't, Mr. Potter."

"Yes he does. I gave it to him."

"You can't give your spot away."

"Oh."

"…"

"So, can I sign him up instead? He really needs help, and possibly anger management classes."

"No Mr. Potter. You may not sign up your uncle for Hogwarts."

"…"

"…"

"Damn."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"How about Dudley? He has problems too."

McGonagall groaned.

**{-13-}**

As always, read and review, please. Smiles.

Rune/Steve2


	15. Chapter 15: Sirius & Harry at Last

**Year 3**

**Chapter 14: Sirius & Harry at Last**

New Chapter by Steve2

Steve2: This is another omake that I made for a different story that wasn't used. Now I have a chance to use it. It fits in nicely with this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-14-}**

It was an overcast day in London in August, the day before had been hot but as usual for Harry, once he got his mind to do something, the weather usually turned foul. Hermione, Blaise, and Harry had come to Trafalgar Square to see the tourist sights, the first time for any of them. Harry was enjoying his time, despite the lousy weather.

Laughing, they made their way through the throngs of people taking pictures and avoiding double-decker red buses on the narrow streets.

They had been enjoying themselves for about five minutes before Blaise heard the tell-tale sound of an apparation. Harry looked around for the popping sound originator and saw a man with a determined expression.

It was Sirius Black.

"It's Sirius Black!" shouted a local, having seen the wanted posters and ads on the telly.

Screams erupted and the square started to clear.

Harry moved away from Hermione and Blaise to have a better view of the ex-Auror.

Sirius waited a few moments for the crowd to clear back, noting that he only had a few minutes before the Bobbies arrived.

Sirius looked at Harry. "Dude!"

Harry's eyebrows rose at that. "Dude!" he replied in kind.

Sirius pointed to Hermione, but still concentrated on Harry. "Dude!"

Harry pointed at himself. "Dude!"

Sirius' expression softened. He put his wand away in its holster. "Dude?"

Harry grinned. "Dude!"

"Dude!" Sirius grinned back.

Harry's arms moved into a welcome mode. "Dude."

Sirius ran forward to Harry and gave him a hug. "Dude," he agreed.

Hermione looked at the action between the two males. She then looked at Blaise and said, "What the hell was that?"

He replied, "Oh, they were just having a conversation."

"What the hell kind of conversation is just saying 'dude' back and forth?"

"It's a guy thing."

Hermione shook her head, muttering, "Men. I'll never understand them."

Harry looked at his godfather, then they both tried to listen… and there it was: the sound of approaching police.

"I gotta split," Sirius announced.

"Word," Harry nodded.

**{-14-}**

Later, Harry is being interrogat… er… asked polite questions by Headmaster Dumbledore.

"So, Harry, you actually saw Sirius Black in London?"

"Sure did," Harry grinned.

"And you didn't run away?"

"Whatever for?"

"Well, he's a psychotic killer for one thing," Albus started.

"Psychotic? Are you kidding me? He's no such thing. And after being here for a couple years, believe me, I know."

"Then what is he, Mr. Potter?"

Harry looked the Headmaster in the eyes and replied, "He's a dude, professor. He's a dude."

"A dude?"

"Yep. And dudes aren't psychotic."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"He's still a killer," Albus countered.

"Could be. But he's a dude at heart."

**{-14-}**

This was a fun one! As always, read and review, please. Smiles.

Steve2


	16. Chapter 16: Mr Rock, The Dementor Attac

**Year 3**

**Chapter 15: Mr. Rock, The Dementor Attacking Rock**

Original Chapter 5 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: At the request of ladylookslikeadude, I am doing the scene from POA with the dementors on the train.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-15-}**

The train skidded to a stop and the air got colder. Harry knew it was something to do with him. Lousy weather usually implied that in all the stories he'd ever read.

"What – is it winter already?" Harry asked, sleepily, waking up from his nap. Blaise, the only other one in the compartment besides the sleeping professor, glared at him.

"Potter, I take back every nice thing I've ever called you," Blaise told him, "and replace them all with: 'You're an idiot!' It was warm, suddenly followed by an oppressive cold. That can only mean one thing. Dementors are close by, probably searching the train for Sirius Black."

"Don't see why. He's obviously not here," Harry said, pulling out Mr. Rock (the rock he took from the chamber the year before; he ended up calling it Mr. Rock to freak out the elder Dursleys and the name stuck) and tossing it up and down. "Hmmm, well, unless he disguised himself as Mr. Rock."

Harry stared suspiciously at his rock for a moment before shrugging and continuing to toss it up and down. Blaise rolled his eyes.

"If you don't believe in magic, how can you possibly believe that Black is pretending to be your rock?" Blaise asked, eying Lupin. He could have sworn he saw Lupin twitch.

"You'd be surprised at the amount of technology the government keeps from us. Black might have gotten his hands on a super hologram creation device or something like that," Harry replied. "Or even met the scientists at school; they could have done something."

"First you're in an 'Insane Asylum Minder in Training', and now you're a conspiracy theorist." There! Lupin twitched! "What's next, Harry?"

"I'm going to be an astronaut." And Lupin twitched again. There's no way he was really sleeping.

"What the hell?" Blaise cursed, as the door to the compartment opened.

"Holy crap! It's Black" (guess who twitched again) "dressed up as a Nazgûl! Mr. Rock, sacrifice yourself to protect us!" Harry closed his eyes and threw the rock as hard as he could. He heard a smack and a thump before he risked opening his eyes.

"Harry," Blaise said calmly, "Congratulations. You just knocked out a Dementor, using nothing more than your pet rock."

"…"

"…"

"Is that a good thing?" Lupin shuddered and Blaise was damn sure he was awake.

**{-15-}**

Rune: That one was fun to write. I missed the word 'nothing' in the first post, so this is just adding the word.

Read and Review please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	17. Chapter 17: Not the Brightest Pea in the

**Year 3**

**Chapter 16: Not the Brightest Pea in the Pod**

Original Chapter 12 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-16-}**

"Harry," Hermione said, in an exasperated voice that she used quite frequently with him. "The thing on the train was a Dementor, not Black dressed as a Nazgûl."

"Nuh-uh," Harry said. "What's a Dementor anyway?"

"A magical creature that makes the area around it really cold and sucks the happiness out of people," Blaise answered.

"See, that's your first problem. Magic isn't real, so there can't be such things as _magical_ creatures."

Lupin, along with many of the other Gryffindors and Slytherins in the room watched as the three of them argued. It was the first Defense class after Snape stepping in for Lupin. Well, it was the first Defense class period for Harry, who had skipped all the other ones. Hermione had forced him to come to this one.

"Then how do you explain the drop in temperature and the… the…"

"Happiness suckage?" Blaise supplied.

"Yes, the happiness suckage," Hermione said, before giving Blaise a strange look and mouthing the word 'suckage'. Blaise shrugged.

"Hmm… maybe it was a real Nazgûl!"

"It wasn't a Nazgûl; it was a Dementor!"

"Same difference," Harry agreed.

Hermione looked about ready to commit murder.

"I thought the Nazgûl couldn't die," another Muggleborn Gryffindor said. "Your rock killed one."

"No. The Nazgûl can't be killed by any man, or so they claim," Hermione said.

"And Mr. Rock is a rock, not a man," Harry added.

"But you call it _Mr._ Rock, so it's a man-rock," Hermione said, "therefore it could not have killed the thing were it an actual Nazgûl, so it wasn't a Nazgûl; it was a Dementor." Hermione looked smug, as if daring Harry to contradict her.

"But… Mr. Rock isn't a man-rock, it's a girl-rock," Harry clarified.

"Then why do you call it Mr. Rock?" Blaise asked.

"Because I let Dudley name it."

"Dudley?"

"My cousin."

"The one that makes Crabbe and Goyle look like geniuses?"

"That'd be the one."

"Oh."

"You know, Hermione, I could always try to fashion some jewelry from the rock for you," Harry suggested.

"You'd do that for me?" Hermione smiled.

"Of course. It's not like the Nazgûl was trying to swear loyalty to it or anything… kinda," Harry guessed.

The bell rang. Lupin let out a sigh of relief.

"Class dismissed." Only Hermione stayed behind.

"Professor, can I talk to you in private?"

"Of course, Miss Granger," Lupin said, directing her towards his office. "Tea?"

"Yes, please." Lupin set about getting them both a cup of tea. "As you can probably tell, Harry's not the… er… brightest pea in the pod."

"I believe the phrase you're looking for, Ms. Granger, is 'completely bonkers'."

"Yes, well, despite his… unique view on life… Harry is my best friend. In fact, he's probably my only one. Blaise and I are barely acquaintances. Being my only friend, I feel rather protective of him at times."

"I fail to see where this is going, Miss Granger," Lupin said in confusion.

"I'll get to the point then. Professor Quirrell was possessed by Voldemort and tried to kill him, Professor Lockhart tried to wipe his and Ron's memories and put them in a mental institution, and the two of them were human. Well, mostly in Quirrell's case. You're a werewolf. I want to make sure you're not going to eat Harry. I'm father fond of him."

Lupin choked on his tea, and Hermione thought it looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Ms. Granger… I have no intentions of eating Harry, or any of the students for that matter."

"Good, because if you tried to, they wouldn't be enough pieces of you for them to find," Hermione gave him a grin, grabbed her things, and headed for the door. "Thank you for the tea, professor."

Snape found him in his office a few minutes later, still staring at the door, slack-jawed. "What the hell is wrong with you Lupin?" he asked, setting Lupin's potion down in front of him.

Lupin let out a whine.

Snape looked at the clock and sighed. "Potter showed up for class today didn't he?"

Lupin nodded.

Snape patted him on the head. "Don't worry, you'll get used to him." Snape left the room, leaving a still stunned Remus Lupin behind.

"It's not him I'm worried about," Lupin whispered, shaking his head to snap him out of his daze.

**{-16-}**

Read and Review please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	18. Chapter 18: Potter, is that a Bunny?

**Year 3**

**Chapter 17: Potter, is that a Bunny?**

Original chapter 9 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: This is for X59, who wondered what Harry's boggart would look like. Makes more sense if you've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Chubbchubbs.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-17-}**

"A what-fart?" Harry whispered to Blaise, who glared at him.

"A boggart, Potter, honestly," Blaise told him, resisting the urge to smack Harry upside the head.

"And what does it do?"

"Weren't you listening to Professor Lupin? It takes the form of your biggest fear," he tried (he knew it was in vain) to explain the magical concept to his fellow Slytherin.

"Oh." Must be some type of special effect he surmised. But then how did Lupin know their biggest fears to be able to set it up? Hmm… probably asked them all in one of the classes Harry skipped.

Harry didn't skip many classes, just the ones that bored him half to death. Like Defense did, most days.

But if Harry wasn't here when Lupin figured out what all their biggest fears were, then Lupin didn't know his, which meant he would have to make it look like he didn't want Harry to face the butt-fart thing.

"Boggart," Blaise said again, leading Harry to believe that Blaise could read his mind. Either that, or Blaise could just predict what he was thinking. Either way, Lupin was no doubt going to prevent Harry from facing the boggart. Harry, feeling oddly vindictive today, decided that was not going to happen.

"Dobby," he whispered. The house-elf popped into existence near him. Naturally, Dobby used magic to perform this little feat, but Harry passed it off as the little psycho Gollum-cousin stalking him. It came in handy now and then.

"What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter?" Dobby whispered. He and Harry had had a nice long talk about being quiet when Harry called him with a whisper.

"Don't let Lupin keep me from facing the butt-fart thing," Harry told him.

"Boggart," Blaise corrected automatically.

"Yes sir, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said, saluting him before disappearing. Blaise shook his head. Sometimes, being considered the best friend of the Boy-Who-Lived just wasn't worth the annoyance.

Several of the students managed to turn their greatest fears into something funny. Two fainted (Weasley facing a spider and Goyle facing a woman proctor with a test). One managed to laugh so hard he couldn't breathe and passed out (Longbottom facing Snape in Grand Dame Longbottom's dress, hat, and purse combo).

Finally, it came to be Harry's turn. Lupin tried to step between Harry and the boggart, only to find he was handcuffed to his desk. And if he wasn't mistaken, they were his own damn handcuffs!

The class roared with laughter as Harry's boggart turned, not into Voldemort, or a Dementor, but a bunny rabbit.

"Potter," Blaise said, disbelievingly, "is that a bunny? Your worst fear is a bunny?"

"That's not just a bunny, Blaise," Harry said, backing away from the bunny. "I always knew those Monty Python movies were real!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Blaise asked, stepping just a little closer to the bunny as Harry backed away further. Lupin barely had enough time to conjure up a brick wall in front of him as the bunny attacked. Not having enough time to conjure it properly, the brick wall was translucent. Blaise fell back as the bunny hit the wall right where his neck would have been. He got a good look at the razor sharp teeth that the bunny had.

"Potter! That could have been my neck!" he screamed.

"I told you it wasn't just a bunny!" Harry yelled back, attracting the bunny's attention. "It's a murderer! It bites people's heads off! Hey, no, don't come towards me!" Harry squeaked and ducked, letting the bunny sail over him.

"Ridikkulus, Potter, ridikkulus!" Blaise yelled. Normally, Harry would have brushed that off as nothing more than a word (magic spells weren't real – it only made the insane ones feel better, so he played along), but it worked for the others (Slytherin's included), so it was probably the password to activate the advanced special effects system that this room seemed to employ.

"Ridikkulus!" Harry said, waving his wand. Nothing happened. The bunny advanced. Harry heard a purring sound. Four chicks with pig noses appeared in front of him. The girls in the room 'aww'ed. Then all the chicks' eyes grew red and they opened their mouths, showing three sets of extremely sharp, rotating teeth. The chicks attacked the bunny, and tore it to pieces.

"Chubbchubbs!" Harry yelled, happily. "You guys are real too? Sweet!" A bloody rabbit's foot hit the wall where Blaise's face would have been. He whimpered. Several of the students fainted (Malfoy included), most of the remaining girls screamed before fainting as well, and the rest of the students ran screaming from the room. Lupin felt the urge to do the same, but he was still handcuffed to his desk, and the Chubbchubb things were now advancing on Harry.

"Harry!" Lupin yelled worriedly, only to see the Chubbchubbs purring and nuzzling Harry who was laughing and petting them. Fine, Harry was safe, now he had to concentrate on getting these damn handcuffs off. And figure out who handcuffed him to his desk with his own handcuffs in the first place.

Blaise stared at Harry petting the evil chicken things that he called Chubbchubbs and squeaked. The Chubbchubbs' turned their heads to him and hopped over, giving him the same treatment as Harry.

"Well, I guess you guys on too bad," Blaise said, petting them. The Chubbchubbs purred. Lupin felt the urge to growl at the handcuffs, only to see the key sitting innocently on his desk. Oh, when he found out who did this, he was so kicking their asses!

**{-17-}**

**Three Hours Later**

Dumbledore sighed. He had gotten numerous complaints from Poppy about the amount of patients that Lupin's third year Gryffindor/Slytherin class had, and from what he could glean from the woman's ranting, the problems were mostly mental.

"Enter," Dumbledore said. Remus Lupin entered, looking tired. "What happened?" Dumbledore asked, after Lupin sat down.

"I introduced the class to boggarts today," Lupin said. "I really meant to stop Harry before he could face the boggart, but… I didn't move fast enough." No sense in telling Dumbledore he had somehow gotten handcuffed to his desk. He still didn't know who did that. And he didn't want Dumbledore to know about his handcuffs.

"Ah, I see," Dumbledore said. "And Harry's boggart was Voldemort, I assume?"

"No," Lupin replied.

"No?" Dumbledore asked, astonished. "Then what was it?"

"An evil bunny," Lupin said, sounding like he couldn't believe it himself.

"An... evil bunny... caused most of your class to end up in the hospital wing with mental scaring?"

"No. The bunny only tried to bite Blaise Zabini and Harry's heads off. It was the evil chickens he fed the evil bunny to that caused most of my class to end up in the hospital wing with mental problems."

"Evil... chickens?" Albus inquired with raised eyebrows.

"Yes sir," Lupin said, feeling oddly like he was a student in trouble for some prank again. "They ate the evil bunny in front of the students. It was rather gory. Harry called them Chubbchubbs."

Lupin wasn't really all that surprised to see Dumbledore break down into sobs. According to the other teachers, stuff like this was normal for Harry. Lupin felt like crying himself, and he'd only had to deal with Harry for a few months. Dumbledore's had to deal with him for years. Poor old man.

**{-17-}**

Rune: Questions likely to be asked that I will answer now:

Q: Why does Lupin have handcuffs in the first place?  
>A: Sirius probably gave them to him as a joke years ago when they were students and it was the height of comedy relief.<p>

Q: Why didn't Lupin use magic to unlock the handcuffs?  
>A: They're magical handcuffs, charmed against unlocking spells.<p>

Q: How did Lupin get handcuffed to the desk?  
>A: Dobby did it.<p>

Read and Review please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	19. Chapter 19: The Premonitions

**Year 3**

**Chapter 18: The Premonitions**

Original chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-18-}**

"…And so it is with great digestive gusto, that Blaise will not pass his Transfiguration OWL because of food poisoning. Thank you!" Pansy Parkinson looked around the classroom, closed her "dream diary" and sat down.

"Thank you, my dear," Sybill Trelawney smiled at the young student who was definitely making progress in this class. "Okay, class, does anyone have anything else they'd like to bring up?"

"Ooh, ooh!" Harry shot his hand up.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"Can you explain to me again how this is going to help us get a job in the future? I mean, sure, I know you can always be a psychic as a career choice, but how do you do it without phone lines or 800 numbers in this crazy place?"

"I'm sure you can always get your own 800 number once you graduate," Sybill supplied.

Harry nodded. "Sure. That is the easy part once you get a phone installed in this god-forsaken outback, but how do you charge their credit cards without them knowing? Isn't that the best way to make psychic calls?"

Sybill frowned. "Uh-oh. I just had a vision. I'm so sorry dear, but you're going to die by the Grim."

"The author?" Harry asked innocently.

Trelawney gave him a blank look.

Harry continued, "You know, the Brothers Grimm."

"No, as in a giant dog," Trelawney squinted at him.

"That's odd. I thought I was going to be mauled to death by a pack of dogs," Harry upped her comment.

"Oh right, it will be two Grims. I can see it clear as day."

"And I see three dogs in my future," Harry upped again.

"Four dogs," the students watched the back and forth predictions from teacher to student, amazed at the amount of magical sight each one had.

"Six dogs, and an orange cat," Harry countered.

"A kneazle?" Trelawney asked.

"You should cover your mouth when you sneeze. It's only polite that way. At least that's what I've heard."

"I didn't sneeze," Sybill pointed out.

"Sure you did. I heard you. After I said I was going to be mauled to death by 10 dogs, a couple cats, and a blind goat."

Sybill's eyes shot open which was a little weird with the big glasses she wore. "A goat? That's an omen if I've ever heard of one."

"I'll say. That was one spooky movie."

"What?" said Trelawney.

Harry grinned. "The Omen. Devil coming to life."

"You've seen the devil?"

"Sure. Wicked movie. Plus if not that, then my Aunt says I listen to devil music. Say, you know where I can score some batteries? My Walkman still isn't working. All the batteries I seem to buy are dead."

"You listen to the Devil?" Padma Patil inquired.

Harry looked at her. "Sure. 'Highway to Hell' is a great song! Maybe I should sing it next time we have to sing the school song. Wonder if I can get anyone to play instruments for me."

"You don't play instruments?" Sybill tried to get the conversation back to safe ground.

"Course not. Haven't had time to learn yet. You know any?"

"I play some mean Maracas," Trelawney volunteered.

"Wanna make a band? I can try to play some spoons."

"Hey, I'm not that kind of girl," Sybill insisted.

"You're a girl?" Harry was shocked.

"You can't tell?"

"In this insane asylum, it's kind of hard. I thought you might have been a guy playing the part of a girl. Who knew?"

"Word," Trelawney agreed.

**{-18-}**

I saw a comment on Rune's original story lamenting that the reader must have been psychic to know that she was going to quit the story after 14 chapters, which in turn sparked my idea for this chapter. Hope you liked it.

And now that Year 3 is coming to a close soon, I have an idea for an omake if someone wants to write it. How would Harry explain the Time-Turner that Hermione uses? Would there be a Back to the Future reference somehow? I leave it up to my readers to ponder this idea and write something if you want.

Read and Review please! Smiles!

Steve2


	20. Chapter 20: Slytherin Equals Sane

**Year 3**

**Chapter 19: Slytherin Equals Sane**

Original chapter 2 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: As I said before, this is going to be random one-shots. This is the scene where Harry meets Sirius in the Shrieking Shack... poor Sirius.

Steve2: the 2nd part of this chapter is new.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-19-}**

Sirius stared.

Harry stared back.

Sirius blinked and continued staring.

Harry blinked and continued staring back.

"Harry…"

"Dude! I mean, INSANE PSYCHOPA-mmpphh!" Harry started yelling, but he was cut off by Sirius' hand over his mouth.

"Now, now, no need to do that," Sirius said, "It's not like I'm going to kill you or anything," then Sirius noticed the colors on Harry's Hogwarts tie, "You're a SLYTHERIN!" Sirius took his hand off of Harry's mouth in surprise. "Maybe I was too quick to say I wasn't going to kill you or anything…"

"And you're an insane psychopath… despite being a dude, or at least Dumbledore thinks so, but don't worry, you're not alone… this whole world is filled with psychopaths."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you a Slytherin?"

"Oh that… Slytherin equals sane."

"Huh?" Harry rolled his eyes and explained.

**Flashback**

Harry didn't know why he was following the insane asylum escapes and their minder but he was. His uncle probably paid them to take him. And by the way his uncle had been yelling, they apparently wanted a lot of money.

"And you get 'sorted' into 'houses' in this asylum?" Harry asked.

"It's not an asylum; it's a school!" McGonagall said, "And yes. There are four houses: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Your parents were in Gryffindor."

"My parents went to this asylum?"

"It's not an asylum!" McGonagall yelled. Dumbledore was cheerfully sucking on a lemon drop, totally oblivious to the conversation (further fueling Harry's belief that he was an escapee from the insane asylum). Harry ignored McGonagall and turned to Snape.

"And what 'house' were you in, if any at all?"

"Slytherin," Snape replied, curtly. McGonagall regained Harry's attention and went on to tell him of famous people who came out of Hogwarts and what house they were in, and about the four Founders that the houses were named for. Harry's interpretations of her words were a bit less than what she would have liked.

"I get it," Harry said, making McGonagall think that he finally dropped the asylum thing. "Different people get sorted into these 'houses' based on whether they're sane or not." (McGonagall's eye twitched) "Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw equal insane; that's where all the nuts go." (The twitching got worse) "Slytherin equals sane; that's where all the minders come from. Slytherin is _definitely_ where I want to go." The three of them turned around as they heard a strange sound.

Dumbledore was pounding on his chest, having choked on his lemon drop after hearing Harry's last sentence.

**End Flashback**

"So you see…Slytherin equals sane."

Sirius fainted. Lupin entered the room, took in the fact that Sirius was on the floor with Harry standing over him, and raised an eyebrow.

"Um…" Harry had the deer in the headlights look on his face, "I didn't do it."

"Didn't do what?" Lupin asked.

"I don't know," Harry admitted, sheepishly, "But whatever it is, _I didn't do it_."

**{-19-}**

For some reason, Harry's godfather was as insane as the rest of the people in his life these days. He actually thought a small rat was his avenue to freedom from the chain gang. Who was Harry to argue since he'd seen a lot weirder in his three years at the asylum.

So it was that Harry, Sirius and Professor Lupin were carrying a rat in a cage out of the tunnel when what should happen but Lupin falls down on the ground and starts to have an epileptic fit or something. Harry knew that was bad, but worse was when the cage he was carrying dropped and the rat got free.

Harry had to catch it! Who knew what kind of disease it was carrying if Sirius hadn't gotten it from one of the scientists, wherever they were. Harry ran, but the rat ran faster on its stubby legs, and Harry finally gave up as the rat made its way to the forest.

Harry came back to help Professor Lupin but no longer saw him or his godfather. Hmmm, he must have taken him to the school nurse or something.

Instead, he saw a dog and a big-ass dog on the lawn. "Great – someone let their strays loose. Well, time to earn my keep. C'mere, boy, come on, that's it. I have a nice bone for you. What? You don't like bones? You want a juicy professor instead? Ha-ha, just kidding. Let's get you that steak."

Harry rolled up a few parchments into a tight bunch and whapped the big-ass dog on the snout. "Bad dog! Don't make me whap you again. Sit! I said, **sit**! Good dog. Come on, both of you. Let's get you something to eat from the Great Hall. It's not like the head insane patient will mind. He's insane by the way." Whap! "No biting! Down, boy! Good boy! That's a good doggie. If you keep this up, I might have to introduce you to Ripper."

Harry opened the castle doors and then entered the Great Hall.

"Hey, anyone have a leash? Or some steak? I think this dog is hungry. Sit! Now lay down. Shake your paw? C'mon, give me that paw."

"That's a werewolf, Potter!" someone shouted. Well, quite a few several someones as it turned out.

"No, it's a big-ass dog! Geez, take your meds and calm down why don't you? You're exciting the rest of the patients! Uh-oh, I don't think this dog is housebroken yet. Anyone got a towel? Or a mop?"

**{-19-}**

Rune: This was inspired by my brother's "Whatever It Is, I Didn't Do It" t-shirt. I want a shirt like that… that and the "Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was The Suspect" shirt.

Steve2: This last part was inspired by a comment I saw in the reviews about taking Lupin into the Great Hall as a werewolf. Hope you like it.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	21. Chapter 21: Staying with Sirius

**Year 3**

**Chapter 20: Staying with Sirius**

Original chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

Note: I have to apologize for a word mentioned at the bottom of this story. I am in America and the word is not a bad word here, but it may be considered so by someone else. If that is the case, please let me know and I will return to this chapter and modify it. I mean no disrespect, and I thought at the time it was funny and would go well with this story. Again, if you have a problem with that word (and it starts with "Bug...") then please send me a message.

**{-20-}**

It was late at night. The second to last night of the school year. In a couple days, Harry would be heading home. Back to the… Dursleys. With that last thought in his head, Harry popped up out of the secret tunnel that led to a run-down shack and met his godfather.

"Sirius, so there you are! Glad you're doing better," Harry greeted.

"Thanks, kiddo. I know you're beating yourself up about that rat escaping," Sirius started.

"Uh, yeah. Sure," Harry agreed.

"…but don't worry about it. We'll catch him sooner or later. It's just a matter of time," he said with some finality.

"Uh, yeah. Sure," Harry didn't know what else to say. Then, "Say, where are you going now? I can't sneak food here over the summer as I'm heading home in a few days. We need to get you somewhere safe that you won't be put back into jail."

"You know, kiddo, I've been thinking about that for the last few days. I could go back to Black manor, but I hate the place. Plus, it's a dump."

"If it's that bad, then you have to stay away from it. It would only drive you more nuts."

"I guess I could see if Dumbledore would put me up here at the school over the summer," Sirius commented.

"No! I mean that wouldn't be a good idea with no company around," Harry prompted. There was no way he was going to subject his godfather to any more of this madness.

"Hmmm, maybe I could stay with Remus in his summer hovel," Sirius thought.

"I know!" Harry had an insight. "How about you staying with the Dursleys for the summer! They'd love company. Especially insane ones. Believe me, I know," Harry grinned evilly.

**{-20-}**

Knock-knock. Pause. Knock-knock. Pause. Bam! Bam! Bam!

Petunia Dursley made her way to the front door and opened it, seeing a scruffy looking vagrant on her porch. That just wouldn't do! "I'm not interested and don't have any spare change. Go stand on a corner like the rest of your kind," she demanded.

"Petunia Dursley?" the man cocked his head sideways to make sure he got a picture of all of her.

"Yes? Do I know you?" she said with some dread.

The scruffy man smiled and replied, "Hi, I'm Sirius Black, Harry's godfather, and an escaped murderer. You probably saw my wanted posters around town. You mind if I stay here for a while?"

"Uuhhhhh…." Petunia's eyes shot open.

"Great! I'll park myself in your room. You can take the couch. The fat man can take the floor with this sleeping bag. By the way, Harry considers me insane."

"Uuhhhhh…." Petunia started.

"That's probably true considering where I've been the last 10 years. Hmmm, we'll need to think of a cover story for me now living with you."

"Uuhhhhh…." Petunia continued.

"I know! You can call me by my nickname, Bugger, and say that I'm your younger, cooler brother that just got out of the Foreign Legion. How's that?" Sirius smiled at the upcoming summer.

"Uuhhhhh…." Petunia kept continuing.

"Great!" replied Bugger, entering the house. "Where's the fellyvision? Harry gave me a list of things he wants recorded. You can also call me the black sheep of the family – get it? I made a funny! You got any whisky?"

"Uuhhhhh…." Petunia concluded. Then, "Vernon!" And again, a little louder, "_Vernon_!"

**{-20-}**

Note: I'll give a special call out to the first reviewer who can tell me where I got Sirius' nickname – name the author and/or story! Hint: it's one of my favorites.

Well campers, this is the end of Year 3. Next comes Year 4 and more zaniness. Hope you are all enjoying the ride.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2

**END OF YEAR 3**


	22. Chapter 22: Mr Potter, What Are You Doi

**Year 4 Beginning**

**Chapter 21: Mr. Potter, What Are You Doing? Part 1**

Original chapter 7 by Rune, updates by Steve2

This starts the coverage of the TriWizard Tournament.

A special shout out to andrewjeeves for correctly identifying Sirius' nickname in the last chapter as coming from the story Multiverse written by the prolific writing duo of Bobmin356.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-21-}**

Harry sat at the Slytherin table reading a book. It was an interesting book; certainly more interesting than what he normally found in the library. Well, probably not any library – just the library that was at his school. You see, he had found a book on how to write a screenplay at the library close to where he lived and had used Dudley's brand new, still-laminated library card that the obese boy had gotten years ago and never broke in. Sadly, since he was still in Scotland for the foreseeable future, all the late fees would have to be paid for by the Dursleys.

"Hey, Potter," Malfoy tried to goad him into something. Harry was never sure what he was trying to goad him into.

"Whatcha need, Malfoy?" Harry didn't look up.

"They've arrived. Krum's here," the blonde said excitedly.

"Uh-huh," Harry agreed, as he jotted a note in the margin about setting up a scene.

"And there's some good looking French girls here as well," Malfoy pointed out.

"Uh-huh," Harry agreed again, not listening.

"Potter! Aren't you listening to me? They're here!"

Knowing he was not going to be able to concentrate on his book until he looked at what the blonde was yammering on about, Harry looked up. His mouth fell open as he noticed all the new arrivals.

Malfoy smirked. "Durmstrang and Beauxbatons."

Harry looked at him. "What does that mean? Is it German for new inmates transferring in?"

"No, you moron! They are students from other schools."

"And they're coming here why?" Harry said with honest sincerity.

Malfoy's mouth opened and closed a few times.

Harry turned to Blaise and arched an eyebrow in question.

"They're temporary inmates transferring in. Won't be here long," Blaise said.

"Ah." Harry went back to his reading.

**{-21-}**

**Directly After the Cup Spits Out Harry's Name**

"Harry Potter!" Dumbledore yelled.

"Hmm?" Harry looked up from the newspaper in front of him. Dumbledore held a tiny piece of paper and was looking at him strangely.

"Dude, your name just came out of the cup," Blaise whispered in his ear.

"Cup, what cup?" Harry asked, looking around, and even tipping the cup in front of him to see if his name was on it somehow. Everyone but the Slytherins and the regular Hogwarts teachers (having had three years to get used to him) face-faulted.

"Potter, your name came out of the cup!" Fudge exclaimed after recovering, "Hey! Are you listening…? Mr. Potter, what are you doing?"

"Crossword," Harry said, before turning to Blaise. "What's a ten-letter word for 'excessive love or admiration of one's self'?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?" Blaise asked.

"Anyone?" Harry called.

"Narcissism," one of the Beauxbatons students answered.

"Really? Hey, it fits! Thanks! Hmm, you know that kind of sounds like 'Narcissa.' Isn't that interesting, Draco?"

**{-21-}**

Steve2 Note: this is the first part of the original Chapter 7 section broken out to its own chapter. There are, as you may guess, 3 more "chapter 7" updated chapters to read. There are also more chapters around this year as well. Hope you enjoyed it.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	23. Chapter 23: What to do this year?

**Year 4**

**Chapter 22: What to do this year?**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-22-}**

Hermione had done it. Finally. It had only taken her three years, going on four, but she had finally done it. She had managed to drag Harry Potter to his second DADA class in a row!

Harry sat next to Blaise who smirked as he saw Hermione's hand push Harry back down in his seat when he got up to bolt for the door. "I should know better than to call her bluffs," Harry groused to his friend.

"That you should," Blaise grinned back.

"How was I to know she had a full house? I thought I had it in the bag."

"Shhh, both of you," Hermione commanded. "Professor Moody is here."

"Alright, you lot, shut it and listen up! Today we are going to practice the unforgiveables on these spiders," he announced.

"He's playing with his pet spiders in class? What a loon," Harry commented to Blaise.

"Shhh, both of you," Hermione prompted. "I want to hear this."

**{-22-}**

"Imperio! Now, Potter, jump on that desk," ordered Professor Moody.

Harry looked around. "Which desk?"

"That desk! Over here!"

"The desk next to you or the one by the window?"

"I don't care! Just jump on it!"

"And by 'it', you mean the desk… right?"

"Yes!"

"Has the desk done anything to me to prompt me wanting to jump on it?"

"Huh?"

"You know, has it put itself in my way? Is it an evil table?"

"Evil table?" Moody said, looking at Potter.

"Yeah! Evil table," Harry responded excitedly.

"How do you tell if it is an evil table?" Sue Bones wanted to know.

"Easy. It has a goatee," Harry said in a sure voice.

"A table with a goatee?" Professor Moody wanted to make sure he heard that right.

"Right. So is it an evil table I have to jump on?"

"Sit down Potter. Just… sit down."

"Fine. Try to humor a crazy old timer and this is what you get," Hermione heard Harry mutter.

**{-22-}**

"Hello Harry," smirked a woman at the press conference. "I'm Rita Skeeter; writer for the Daily Prophet. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

"Sure, I do… hey, how are you keeping that quill in the air? Hey Cedric, Victor – see that? She has a floating quill! So, Ms. Creeper…"

"Skeeter," she corrected.

"That's what I said. How do you keep that quill up there as you walk around? Is it magnets? I bet it's magnets."

Harry reached up to touch the quill and immediately it fell to the ground.

"My quill!" Rita screeched, reaching down for her now defunct quill. "I don't understand; I just bought this dict-a-quill…" she started.

"I'd get a refund if I were you. Or just go to the bird house at the top of the castle and get yourself another feather. They are all over the place here," Harry tried to help her out. Unfortunately he stepped on her foot with his heavy boots, breaking a toe when he went to help pick up the quill off the ground.

"Ouch! Oh dear," Rita started.

"Sorry about stepping on your foot there, lady. But if I were you and in need of medical attention, you might want to seek it at a hospital instead of here."

"And why, urk," (the pain hit), "wouldn't I want to stay here for my foot?" She hobbled over to a chair and sat down in it heavily.

"Are you kidding? This place is an insane asylum."

"All kids say that about their school," her cameraman pointed out.

"True, but in this case, this place is an actual insane asylum."

Despite the increasing pain, Rita was hooked. "If it is so bad here, Mr. Potter, why are you here?"

"Oh, I'm here to learn a new trade. That should make my uncle happy once he finds out that I'm prepping for a job once school is over."

"And what job would that be?" Rita asked.

"Inmate minder," Harry smiled.

**{-22-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	24. Chapter 24: Mr Potter, What Are You Doi

**Year 4**

**Chapter 23: Mr. Potter, What Are You Doing? Part 2**

Original chapter 7 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Steve2: This continues coverage of the TriWizard Tournament.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-23-}**

"It's dragons, Potter!" Professor Moody told Harry once they were alone in the corridor.

"You don't say. Suuuuure, they are. Let me guess, it breathes fire, right?" Harry humored the poor man.

"Of course, Potter!" Moody agreed.

"Suuuuure it does. You know, you sure do look like you've seen your fair share of dragons, right?"

"What?" That caught him by surprise.

"You know, missing a leg, having to rely on your bionic eye like Steve Austin."

"Who?"

"The bionic man! Jeez, aren't you paying attention. Oh right, you're all worked up about dragons…"

"Hwah? No, wait! Listen up, boy! You'll need to retrieve something in the dragon's clutch," Moody instructed.

"It'll be holding it then?" Harry looked at the scarred man in his one good eye.

"What?"

"You know, clutching something?" Harry grasped one hand in another, trying to show his point.

Moody sighed. "No! Its _clutch_. Its _eggs_!"

"You know, you could have just said that and saved us all this confusion."

"Okay. So you understand? You'll have to retrieve a golden egg from the other eggs! Got it?!"

"Sure. Retrieve an egg from other eggs. Got it. Say, can I bring a carton of eggs with me and trade one egg for another?"

Mad-eye Moody grumbled and ground out, "Just… I wou… Listen, your best bet is to play to your strengths."

"Oh, is that all? That'll be easy then! Thanks, Professor whack-job!"

**{-23-}**

**First Task**

"And our fourth champion - Harry Potter!" the announcer called. Harry came out (shirtless, much to the happiness of his fangirls and his more attractive minions) with a lawn chair and a large mirror that he had borrowed from Pansy Parkinson.

Harry set the lawn chair on the grass, just inside the arena, sat in the chair, and held the mirror out in front of him.

"Uh," the announcer said, "Mr. Potter, what are you doing?"

"Sunbathing," Harry answered, before turning to the dragon and yelling, "Oi! You! Lizard-breath! You're in my sun – move it!"

"And he calls _us_ insane?" Ginny asked of no one in particular.

A few seats over, Remus Lupin was banging his head against a book muttering, "Stupid, stupid, stupid," with every bang. Occasionally, an "He's gonna die, he's gonna die," was added in as well.

"Has Mr. Potter stared believing in magic yet?" McGonagall asked Blaise.

"Nope."

"And how does he explain the dragon?"

"Iguana on steroids."

Dumbledore choked on another lemon drop.

**{-23-}**

"I thought he was going to play this to his strength…" Mad-eye mumbled just loud enough to be overheard by Professor Snape.

The dour potions professor didn't bother looking at the defense instructor as he said, "He is." He then noticed that Harry angled the mirror just right to get some rays on his chest while also blinding the dragon that had thought to charge the young Slytherin, making it drop to the ground as it whimpered to get the spots out of its eyes.

Mad-eye face-faulted.

**{-23-}**

Another Chapter 7 original section broken out to its own chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	25. Chapter 25: Harry and Lya Go On A Date

**Year 4**

**Chapter 24: Harry and Lya Go On A Date**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-24-}**

"So, young Harry," Fred started.

"Who are you going to take the ball?" continued George.

"You do realize you have to take someone, don't you?" Blaise put in, obviously enjoying this.

Harry gave them a 'look'. "Yes," Harry groused. "Snape told me I had to attend with a date since I'm a so-called champion."

"So which one has caught you eye?" Blaise asked.

"I don't know," Harry replied truthfully. He then looked at the two brothers and Blaise and commented, "You do realize that all the girls in school are insane don't you?"

Fred and George nodded at that.

"You got that right," George said.

"Especially when it is their time of the month if you know what I mean," Fred concluded.

**{-24-}**

Harry thought about Blaise's words from earlier in the day. Great, he was going to have to get a date to take to a stupid party. What did Blaise say – who would I want to go with?

Hmmm, who would I want to go with to this party? Farrah Fawcett? Nah, too old. Holly Robinson? She's a cutie… Hmmm, think, Harry, think. If it could be anyone, who would it be?

How about Lya?

Yeah! She's smart, and could even put up with this nuthouse I'm sure.

But how would you go about getting her for a date? Hmmm, Harry started wondering. And for some reason, his thoughts raced to the following on how to go about asking Lya out:

**{-24-}**

**The Date As Harry Wished**

"Hello Harry. Nice day, isn't it?" Lya said looking to the sky.

At least she wasn't talking about the stars, Harry hid his thoughts. "Hello Lya. It is a nice day. You're looking well. How's the old man?"

"He is well. Did you need some assistance against the Goul'd?"

"Not really," Harry started.

"Oh, too bad. I was hoping we could assist one another on a matter most important. Well, have a good day."

"Did I say 'Not really'? I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, Lya. I meant, really it's a matter of grave importance. You see there is a dance coming up at the local high school where I'm attending and it appears a system lord has heard that I plan to go there. Now normally I would take an airman but you have a certain rustic beauty about you, and you can pretty much scan the minds of hidden Goul'ds at the party, so I was hoping you'd like to be my date."

"Hidden Goul'd impersonating children? How beastly."

"You said it," Harry agreed.

"Of course I will help you."

And so the night of the big dance came and Harry's date showed up through the stargate without announcing herself, only to find a lot of weapons pointed her way.

"Oh, you scamps," she smiled, walking down the ramp and putting flowers in the barrels of all the automatic weapons pointed her way.

"Stand down!" commanded the voice of none other than Colonel O'Neill. "Lya, it's good to see you."

"You too, Colonel O'Neill"

"So… what's up?

"I am here to help young Harry root out Goul'd infiltrators at a school dance."

"Really? I'll have to review my briefing on that. Oh, Harry!" O'Neill barked into a nearby radio.

"Yo!"

"Your date is here!"

"Wow, she's early. You can tell she's not of this world just by that!"

"Hey!" yelped one of the random guards in the gate room who just happened to be a woman.

"I'll be right there," Harry signed off.

"So, Lya…" O'Neill started. "Nice twigs."

Lya removed a couple twigs and a leaf from her hair. "Thanks. Early mulch period."

Soon enough the two lovebir… er… anti-Goul'd specialists were on their way out of the mountain in Daniel's car.

"Hungry, Lya?"

"One must never pass up the chance for free food, so say the ancient scriptures," she replied, untangling another knot in her hair.

"That sounds like a yes to me," Harry pulled into a nearby fast food emporium.

"You do realize I cannot eat living things," she reminded him.

"Not to worry. Most of the stuff they have here isn't real food anyway. It's just chemicals. But better safe than sorry in any event. Let's get some cheese sticks."

"What are they?"

"Ah-ah, don't want to ruin the surprise. Trust me, you'll like them."

And all too soon, they were seated across from one another with a tray of steaming hot melty cheesy goodness in front of them.

"Try one. No animals were harmed in making this, I promise."

"Just one," she agreed. She tried it. "By the ancients! This is much better than the salads I eat every day! More!"

About 30 minutes later, and 7 more helpings down, she was full.

"Harry, that was just simply delicious. Now we had better get to that dance and root out the infiltrators."

"Yeah, you're probably right about that. Say, do you have anything to cover up the blemish that just popped up on your cheek?"

"What blemish?" she reached up to touch the spot. A concerned look came over her face. "Oh no," she squeaked, darting for the woman's restroom.

All too soon, "Aaaaaaaeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii-bwah-hah-hah-hahhhhhh!"

Lya came back and sat across from Harry. "'Sup, gorgeous?"

"My life is over. I'm diseased!" Sob, sob.

"How's it over?"

"I'm marked. See?" and she pointed to the blemish.

Harry did see. He saw it for a full minute. Then, "It's a zit."

"You don't understand. Over half the Nox thousands of years ago were similarly affected. We needed to abandon them on a planet to save our race from further contamination. Now that I'm afflicted, it is only a matter of time before I too am cast out."

"Lya, I'm going to introduce you to something that the inhabitants of this planet discovered years ago. It's a little thing called… soap. It works far better than rubbing dirt into your pours."

"Sacrilegious!"

"C'mon, babe, I'm totally serious here. You'll love it."

"Excuse me," interrupted one of a pair of girls at the quasi-table next to them. "But he's right. You're a naturalist, aren't you? No need to let me know. I know all about the green movement. No soap, no sin, no fun, no nothing. Been there…"

"…done that," inserted the other girl of about an equal age of 15.

"But you don't have to live like you're Grizzly Adams…"

Lya looked at them blankly.

"You know, the TV star from before we were born. He would have been popular when you were a girl. Oh, you poor girl, you've been living the mountain life for that long?"

"Well, not really a mountain. My father has me out in a valley along with my brother."

"Don't worry, honey, we've got some Clearasil with us. We'll get you fixed right up."

"You babes are all right," Harry smiled, not really remembering which class he had with them, but glad they remembered him.

"Well, we've got to do right by our fellow students, Harry. Besides, looks like you're trying to get your aunt out of a bad situation and reintroduce her to proper life. C'mon, back to the bathroom."

Roughly 15 minutes later…

"Sorry, miss, but that seat is saved for a friend of mine."

"Harry, it's me. Lya."

"Lya? Damn, girl, but you clean up good!"

"Thanks. I think."

"Trust me, it's a compliment. I think. How do you feel?"

"Wonderful. I can't believe how much better I feel with a clean face."

"Brings out the natural looker in you," Harry agreed.

"Makes me feel terrible about all the Nox we abandoned millennia ago. You don't by chance have a time machine do you?"

"Not really. But I do know someone worked on one. That could start us on our way."

**{-24-}**

Harry popped out of his wishful thoughts. It was a fun wish to think of Lya, but she wasn't the one for him. For one thing, he'd doubt the insane guy running the place would let him contact her. For another, he didn't know where she was – or how to get in touch with her Hollywood agent.

But that wasn't important. It was the idea of someone like Lya that he was looking for: someone fun to be around. Harry looked around the cafeteria hall.

Sure, there were his minions, but they would most likely giggle all night long. And then there was the problem of asking which one without the rest becoming jealous. So many problems with having minions.

Harry then saw someone at a nearby table. She had blonde hair and was sitting alone. And for some reason, she reminded him of Lya. She wasn't a minion; that was for sure. She didn't have on a Potter for President t-shirt today. Maybe he should get to know her a little more.

He made his way over to her table.

**{-24-}**

Steve2: This was another omake I wrote for an HP/SG1 story that I thought worked well here. No more SG1 omakes, I promise! Anyone care to guess who I'm talking about here at the end of the chapter?

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	26. Chapter 26: That Old Yule Tide Ball Feel

**Year 4**

**Chapter 25: That Old Yule Tide Ball Feeling**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-25-}**

The night of the Yule Ball was a special night. All the young people dressed up to eat fancy food and dance to a night's music. Yes, it had turned out to be a good idea to bring the Tri-Wizard tournament out of slumber, Dumbledore thought. The crowd was waiting to enter the Hall, the other headmasters waiting with their delegations. All they were waiting for now was the last of the champions to arrive with their date.

There was young Cedric with his date from Ravenclaw if Albus wasn't mistaken. There was the Beauxbatons champion, Fleur, and her date, also from Hogwarts. And the Durmstrang student was escorting young Miss Granger. Now where was… ah, there he is. Mr. Potter was bringing as his date a young lady wearing… wearing… what was that thing on her head?

"Hello, Harry," Cedric grinned at the fellow champion.

"Cedric," Harry cordially replied as he helped keep the accompaniment on his date's head.

"Who is your date?" Cedric tried to keep his voice from chuckling at Harry's frantic efforts.

"Luna," Cho answered for the group. "Luna Lovegood."

"Hello, Cedric," Luna smiled at the champion. "Hello, tramp," she smiled sweetly at Cho.

"That hat you vear," Victor Krum started, pointing at the hat on Luna's head.

"You like it? It's my Vulture hat."

"It is very becoming," Victor pointed out. "My grandmother had one like it."

Luna smiled and nodded. "It is very retro, I know. But I think it is going to make a comeback to the height of fashion."

"It certainly makes her stand out," Harry grumbled, still playing with the hat.

"Vat do you wear, Harry?" Victor inquired.

"Don't mind Harry," Luna smiled at the international seeker. "I know what you are thinking – that Harry is wearing black robes over some sweat clothes. But it was a compromise on his part in order to attend the ball in the first place."

"I wanted comfort," Harry finally got the hat to stay in one place.

"And I wanted a hat," Luna said simply.

Then both Harry and Luna said in unison, "And we both had to dress up. This is what you get."

"I thought you would have taken one of your minions," Roger commented.

"I had thought of that," Harry returned. "I had to hold a meeting with them to tell them I was taking Luna to the ball. They weren't happy with that, but I did agree to dance with all of my minions tonight. Well, at least the girl minions."

"Colin wasn't happy with that I hear," Hermione smirked.

"Don't go there," Harry smirked back.

**{-25-}**

As the champions and their dates ate dinner, it was inevitable that the topic of the first task would come up.

"Harry, help me to understand," Victor started with a piece of chicken on his fork. "Vhat vere you doink vith the dragon?"

Harry looked at him and arched an eyebrow. Realization struck. "Oh, that's right. You're just temporarily here. It wasn't a dragon. Don't let its size intimidate you. Some scientists in this facility are going gang busters on genetic mutations. I try to ignore them as best I can. So should you."

Fleur was flummoxed. "But, what about your magic, 'Arry? You must compete or lose it," she pointed out the obvious.

Harry grinned and shook his head negatively. "Magic. Right. As far as I'm concerned, all I have to do is show up and that's competing enough. That ought to be enough for the head inmate."

Little did Harry know that some adults were listening in to the conversation the champions were having at their table.

"Blast it, Dumbledore," Crouch hissed at the older man. "How did he find that loophole?"

Dumbledore stroked his beard, contemplating what he had just heard. "He is gifted in finding his way around the laws of magic, that's for certain. It comes naturally to him."

"We need to find a way to get him to compete," Crouch thought aloud.

"I will work on it for the next task," Albus replied.

"You got him the egg after the first task?" Albus nodded that he had. "What was his reaction to it?"

"He said he was going to hock it, whatever that means."

"He needs to find out about the clue," implored Crouch.

"He will. I have no doubt about that," Dumbledore continued to stroke his beard.

**{-25-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	27. Chapter 27: Mr Potter, What Are You Doi

**Year 4**

**Chapter 26: Mr. Potter, What Are You Doing? Part 3**

Original chapter 7 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Steve2: This continues coverage of the TriWizard Tournament.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-26-}**

"Potter!"

Harry sighed as the scarred inmate/teacher approached him.

"Can we help you, Professor Moody?" Hermione said as she too looked at the old ex-Auror.

"Sure thing, lass. Has Potter figured out the clue to the second task yet?"

"Sure thing," Harry replied happily. "I thought for sure we were going to short out the speaker when Cedric told me to dunk it in the water, but it must be one of the underwater cassette players I've heard so much about."

Moody looked questioningly at Miss Granger, who in turn just shook her head and motioned for him to continue.

"Uh… right. Well, anyway, since you have to retrieve something from the bottom of the lake, have you figured out how you are going to do it?"

"I have some idea," Harry said vaguely.

"Uh… right. Well, have you thought of taking gillyweed? It should help you…"

"You're trying to give me weed?" Harry cut the man off. "Man, that is just so _not_ cool! And you're a professor too! I should report you to the authorities!" Harry stormed off, Hermione quick on his steps.

**{-26-}**

**Second Task**

"Mr. Potter, what are you doing in here?" Poppy Pomfrey asked. He was sitting on a bed in the med-tent, with a newspaper in front of him.

"Crossword. Five letter word – "_Blank_" up - meaning to screw something up."

"Fudge," Pomfrey answered.

"Yes?" Cornelius Fudge asked, hearing his name. Harry blinked.

"That's... disturbing, actually."

"Mr. Potter!" Fudge exclaimed, having just noticed him, "What are you doing?"

"Crossword."

"Aren't you going to save your treasure?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Blaise can swim better than I can."

"Oh."

"Eleven letter word, beginning with a 'd' that means group of idiots or morons?"

Before anyone could answer Snape was heard outside the tent, yelling (no doubt at a group of Gryffindors), "You DUNDERHEADS!"

"Never mind," Harry said, cheerfully.

**{-26-}**

Blaise shivered a bit under the warming blanket around his shoulders.

He looked at Harry, who was still on his crossword. "You didn't rescue me," he said simply.

"Nope," Harry agreed.

"Why?"

"Are you kidding? People going swimming in an unheated lake during winter _in_ Scotland is what happened. How many ways can you spell hypothermia?"

Blaise couldn't fault his friend. He would be the same way. Still… "You know, I'm still wondering how I got tapped into being made a hostage for you to rescue. Surely there is something against this sort of thing at the ministry of Magic," he muttered.

"The ministry of magic?" Harry made sure he understood what Blaise said correctly. "The crazies have their own entire _government_ of crazies? Well it's no _wonder_ Fudge is a moron. He's crazy too."

**{-26-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	28. Chapter 28: The Girl Who Believes in Eve

**Year 4**

**Chapter 27: The Girl Who Believes in Everything**

Original chapter 11 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-27-}**

Harry was sitting at the Ravenclaw table, chatting happily with his blonde girl friend, Luna, with a subdued Hermione and an amused Blaise sitting not far from them.

"It's impossible," Hermione whispered. It wasn't that Harry was talking to someone outside his house (he had proven he'd do that with her), but that he was talking with Luna Lovegood, and nodding in agreement at whatever it was she was saying.

"Obviously not," Blaise said.

"But he's the Boy-Who-Doesn't-Believe-In-Magic," Hermione hissed frightfully. That was his new title since Rita Skeeter got wind of him not believing in magic. "And," Hermione continued, "she's the Girl-Who-Believes-In-Everything!" That would be Luna's title if Rita Skeeter ever met her.

"And they shouldn't even get along," Blaise said, "but there they are."

"Of all the people in Ravenclaw, he thinks she's sane? How did this even start?"

"Well, you know how Potter's into all that conspiracy crap?"

"Yeah," Hermione queried.

"Apparently, so is she."

**Flashback**

"Heliopaths," the blonde girl said. Harry looked at her strangely.

"Whatio-paths?"

"Heliopaths. They're what the Ministry is planning to use to destroy all the goblins in Gringotts. They spit fireballs."

Now, while to any other person this would have sounded like an insane bit of rubbish, somehow Harry's brain translated it into this: 'The Ministry plans to do in the Oompa Loompa Wannabe's with those freaky genetic experiments gone wrong that Hagrid had called firecrabs. Hagrid had a lot of those genetic experiments as it turned out – he must have had a connection to the scientists or something!'

"So it is a conspiracy!" Harry exclaimed.

"I would say so," Luna agreed.

"Of course," Harry was on a roll. "It all makes sense. Centaurs? Giant spiders called Acromantulas? A giant _freshwater_ squid! More experiments! This is a conspiracy to end all conspiracies!"

"We need to alert the world," Luna suggested.

"I guess I can let Mulder and Scully know about this," Harry surmised.

**End Flashback**

"Okay, but still, there's no way just conspiracy theories would keep him from thinking she's insane."

"Apparently, they have a friend in common."

"Who?"

"Bob."

"Bob? Who's Bob?"

"I don't know. They described him as having brown hair and wearing a hardhat, whatever that is, and they talked to thin air while addressing him, so I assume he is their imaginary friend."

"Only Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood would have Bob the Builder as an imaginary friend."

**{-27-}**

Rune: Short but funny, at least to me. Not nearly as good as the Chubbchubbs, but that's because Inspiration hit, and then vanished into thin air for this one. I got the idea to get Harry to meet Luna right before Amileah suggested it.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	29. Chapter 29: Mr Potter, What Are You Doi

**Year 4**

**Chapter 28: Mr. Potter, What Are You Doing? Part 4**

Original chapter 7 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Steve2: This concludes coverage of the TriWizard Tournament.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-28-}**

Harry got himself ready. It was the final task. So much to do, so little time.

He walked out to the pitch with the other contestants. Those poor, deluded fools thinking this contest would make them famous. Possibly, he guessed. If someone were to write about the fantasies the population of this school seemed to be interested in.

Harry looked around. So far he hadn't been corned and advised of what to do, or given special incentives or anything like that, and didn't want to jinx his luck going forward.

**{-28-}**

**Third Task**

For the third task, the lawn chair was back, but this time he had a book.

"Mr. Potter," Fudge hissed through his teeth, "What are you doing? No, wait; let me guess - a crossword?"

"Nope - word search!"

Fudge face-faulted.

**{-28-}**

The stands were packed as they heard what was sure to be an epic something or other going on behind the hedges. Nothing to see, Harry went back to his word search and found Tomfoolery on a diagonal. It fit.

Soon enough the crowd was cheering as Cedric rushed out of the maze with a trophy in his hands. Moments later the other contestants made their way out as well. Harry smiled. Not that Cedric had won, or that his school had achieved the victory, but that finally the stupid contest was over.

As the student body came down to the pitch and surrounded their winner, hoisting him on their shoulders and saying whatever to anyone who would listen, which weren't that many since everyone was talking and no one was listening, Harry got up from the chair and folded it back down.

At that point Professor Moody joined him. "Hey, Professor Whack-job. 'Sup?"

"Nice performance, Potter. Didn't let anything the Headmaster wanted you to do influence your strategy. Good for yeh," he garbled out some pleasantries.

"Thanks. I'm headed for my room. Later."

"Just a moment, Potter. In case you hadn't heard, you did win a prize for coming in last place."

"A loser trophy? No thanks."

"You wouldn't want to hurt an old man's feelings for not taking it, would you?" Professor Moody pushed forward a small trophy cup with what Harry could see was "Riddle" written on it. Strangely enough, he was holding it by the base and was also wearing gloves. I guess he didn't want to finger it up, Harry thought.

"Why don't you give it to one of the other contestants? Maybe the girl. She seemed pretty steamed when she came out of the maze."

"No! I mean, it's for you after all. You came in dead last. And I do mean, _dead_ last."

"I'll pass, thanks." Harry turned to leave.

"Dammit!" Harry heard, then must have passed out.

He woke a few moments later (he hoped). Professor Whack-job must've hit him over the head with that trophy and dragged him to a graveyard. Maybe the old man was going to bury him alive? Wow, that old geezer must've really taken that competition seriously. Harry got up and went to investigate the graveyard.

**{-28-}**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


	30. Chapter 30: Two different Whack Jobs

**Year 4**

**Chapter 29: Two different Whack Jobs**

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-29-}**

Harry looked at the headstone nearest him. Huh, died in the 1950's, he noticed. He wondered how often this graveyard was inspected. Probably not often considering how overgrown the grass was.

Suddenly, an old fat dude grabbed his arm and jerked him around, grabbing his other arm in the process. Somewhere in his head, Harry knew he must've still had cobwebs in his head as he was sure he should've been able to get away from the old dude had he been 100%.

A few minutes later, Harry was tied up to a statue while the old fat dude went back to a big pot over a fire. That was some pot. Wonder if he was making stew? He must be expecting a lot of company, Harry thought.

The old fat dude put in some weird ingredients. Harry knew it was probably fake because who wanted to eat an old skeleton arm.

Next he turned and came towards Harry with a knife outstretched. "Blood from your enemy forcibly taken," he muttered. What the… he was going to cut me for some blood?

"Hey, is that knife sterile?"

"What?" said the fat old dude.

"Sterile. You know, I really don't want to get tetanus from that knife," Harry pointed out.

"Heh-heh, I'm sure that will be the least of your problems. I'm just going to take some of your blood."

"Does it have to be forcibly taken then?" Harry queried.

"Yes," muttered a soft voice from behind the old fat dude.

"Then you can take some of my blood, but leave the packets of blood in my pocket alone," Harry said.

"Wormtail!" hissed a soft voice. "Do not take the blood from his body if he agrees to it. It has to be forcibly taken. Take the blood pouches he has," the voice instructed.

"Yes, master." He sheathed his knife and started patting Harry's pockets.

"Hey, hey, hey, not there if you don't mind. Try the back pocked on the left. But, uh, don't take them."

"There they are!" the old dude gloated. "I have them master."

"Uncork them and pour them in! Be quick about it!" the voice instructed.

"Uh… they are not corked," Wormtail looked at the couple of packets in confusion.

"You tear them open across the top," Harry said helpfully.

"Oh, right. It's working, master. It's working!"

"Pour them in, Wormtail!" the voice commanded.

"Yes master," Wormtail said, turning the packet upside down.

Nothing came out.

"You need to squeeze it out," Harry said helpfully.

"Oh, right!" He squeezed. The red mass started to come out and went into the cauldron. Plop. He opened the other two packets and repeated the process.

"Why do you have your blood in these packets, Harry?" Wormtail inquired of the still-bound Potter while stirring the smoking goodness.

"Uh, just in case we get fries with dinner," Harry pointed out.

"Fries? Is that something to ward off a vampire with?"

"Garlic fries? Sure," Harry guessed, remembering what Lupin had said last year.

**{-29-}**

"Robe me, Wormtail!" commanded the tall albino with the skin, hair and nose condition. He hissed the command, trying to sound important, but it was a little offset by the bright red afro-like hair on his head punctuated by the right red bulbous nose.

Harry looked at the area with a more critical eye. Not at the weirdo, but at the campfire. How did he slip into that cauldron? It must have had a false bottom he could climb up from. These guys really are going all out to make me believe this magic crap. They must be graduates of that insane asylum.

**{-29-}**

"Now we duel," smirked a confident Voldemort.

"Is that some sort of dance, because I only do that with girls," Harry said to the assembly. "And where's the music?"

"Duel! Duel!" shouted Voldemort.

Harry walked up to the crazy albino so he could get a better look. He looked him up, then down. "Huh, how about that. According to you and your "magical" followers, you just grew from a vat."

"It was a ritual that brought me to life, Potter!"

"Uh-huh. Sure. Brought you to life. You look like you could use the sun. But I'm curious: are you whole?"

"Let us duel and find out!" Voldemort shot back, his red hair moving around with his fury.

"Duel? There's an easier way to find out about that," Harry suggested.

"And what way is that?"

Harry took one step back. "Like this," he said and immediately shot his steel-toed boot covered foot into Voldemort's groin.

Immediately the tall albino man crumpled to the ground.

"You're whole!" Harry shouted as he ran away.

"Get him!" Voldemort managed to squeak out in a high-pitched voice, writhing on the ground.

Harry ran back into the graveyard, trying to escape the madman convention when his foot touched the trophy cup. He must have passed out because when he came to, he was back at Hogwarts with the headmaster coming towards him.

**{-29-}**

"So, Potter," Moody said, pushing him into a seat. "What happened?"

"I went on a field trip to a graveyard," Harry supplied.

"That I know. But is the master back?"

"Wha…? Oh great, you're one of them? Why weren't you at the barbeque tonight with all your pals?"

"I had to stay here and make sure Dumbledore remained… remained… where is that vial?"

"Vial?"

"My polyjuice!" he grunted, looking in the room.

"Is that like aspirin? Or viagra? Because I'll have you know that I'm not that kind of guy."

A pause.

"Uh-oh." Harry got up and went to the door, opened it and shouted, "We have a code-red! An old guy in here is having a heart attack! Code-red!"

Harry went back to Professor Moody. He had started changing.

"Wow, this faker was good at pretending to be disabled," Harry muttered to no one as he saw the peg-leg fall off and his real leg come out. "Probably wanted a close-in parking spot," Harry mused.

**{-29-}**

**Steve2: And thus ends Year 4 for Harry.**

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Steve2


	31. Chapter 31: I Found it, Granger, I Found

**Year 5**** Begins!**

**Chapter 30: I Found it, Granger, I Found it!**

Original chapter 10 by Rune, updates by Steve2

Rune: For (A Pyro) -the doc manager really doesn't like your name- who asked to see Harry finding the Room of Requirement. Of course, this is more Harry showing it off then finding it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

**{-30-}**

Hermione Granger was not quite sure what to expect when she met Harry Potter, but it definitely wasn't the not-believing-in-magic-but-willing-to-play-along-for-now Harry Potter that she got. This, however, did not bother her.

The fact that he got into Slytherin didn't bother her either. Harry didn't believe in magic, so he didn't believe in magical prejudices (i.e.: he not only _didn't_ believe that a 'mudblood' could exist, he defended her from the other Slytherins that called her that, calling it rude, boorish, and truthfully stupid to call people made-up words).

She was only slightly bothered by the fact that he believed Slytherin was the only sane house, but he claimed that even if she was a Gryffindor, she was as sane as he was.

**Flashback**

"I am not insane just because I'm a Gryffindor!" Hermione hissed in anger. Harry just stared at her. He was reminded rather well of a hissing cat.

"I know," he replied simply.

"…you… know…?" Now she reminded him of a confused cat.

"Well, yeah, I mean sure most of Slytherin is sane, but we have Draco Malfoy here. Considering that we have an insane person in our house, it's only logical that there would be sane people in other houses, just stands to reason that it's not that many. You're one of the few. In fact, you're just as sane as I am, Gryffindor or not."

Hermione never told him that that sentiment didn't make her feel very sane.

**End Flashback**

That had been in their second year, although outside of that conversation he still held true to the belief that Slytherin was the only sane house. Harry's friend, Blaise, never spent much time around her (usually only when Harry dragged him along). That didn't bother her either – Blaise explained that he was neutral on the whole pureblood supremacy thing, but that Harry couldn't protect him from the other Slytherins forever, so it was best that Blaise wasn't seen with what they considered to be a 'mudblood'.

What did bother her? Well, Umbitch – oh, Umbridge (dammit, she was channeling Harry now – Harry had started calling her Umbitch the moment he met her) – for one. That toad couldn't teach a class to save her life (and she was obviously intending for the students to give up their own lives in the process – this was a war dammit – they didn't have time to screw around).

Hermione and a few other Gryffindors had decided to make a sort of club, a defense learning club, but they needed a place to hide it, where Umbitch – oops, Umbridge – couldn't find it. The fact that she couldn't find a place also bothered her.

The fact that Harry came running down the hall and began shaking her while screaming, "I found it, Granger, I found it!" also bothered her; more the fact that she was being shaken than the fact that Harry was nuts.

"Found what Harry?" she asked, after getting him to stop shaking her.

"The holodeck! I found the holodeck!"

"The what?" Harry gave her a strange look.

"Don't you watch Star Trek? I thought you were a trekkie after that Halloween ball thing?"

Hermione looked annoyed. The Halloween costume party/ball had been the headmaster's idea, and she had dressed up as one of her favorite characters. "Chewbacca is from Star _Wars_ you idiot." She suspected that Harry obviously didn't get out much, or know anything about the two series if couldn't tell the difference.

"Oh, well, either way – I found the holodeck! Come on!" And with that Harry proceeded to drag her up several flights of stairs.

"What the hell are you doing?" she inquired, watching him walk back and forth.

"Watch," Harry said, walking back and forth one more time. A door appeared, magically – although Harry apparently thought otherwise. "It's the holodeck!" he exclaimed, opening the door and dragging her inside.

"And what exactly does the holodeck do?"

"Think of something, anything."

Hermione sighed, and wished, not for the first time this year, that she had her favorite book series that she had left at home.

A bookshelf appeared, filled with every book of that series – even the ones she didn't have yet. She squeaked, and quickly thought of a place for the students to learn defense.

The room supplied pillows, a chalkboard (with erasers and chalk), books upon books of defensive spells, shelves of potion supplies, practice dummies, and targets for them to shoot.

Hermione squealed happily and hugged Harry, kissing him on the cheek.

"You're a genius!" she yelled, before running out of the room to inform the others of their new meeting place.

"I'm a genius because I found the holodeck?" Harry asked, "Cool! I wonder what else I can find!" This thought, of course, led Harry to explore the castle. He was missing for three days and still hadn't found anything else. Well, nothing that he hadn't already been expecting.

Dumbledore nearly had a heart attack, both when he found out Harry was missing, and when said Slytherin returned, slightly dusty, but none the worse for wear.

**{-30-}**

Rune: Almost immediately after reading (A Pyro)'s review, I thought of the holodeck. I'm not a trekkie, but I always liked Data and Geordi LaForge (mostly because of the visor), so I know enough about Star Trek to remember the holodeck.

Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune/Steve2


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